Say Good Luck, Not Goodbye
by bearcat
Summary: *COMPLETED* After the events of 'Impact', Harm and Mac's relationship changes
1. Prologue

Prologue  
  
Say goodnight, not goodbye  
You will never leave my heart behind  
Like the path of a star  
I'll be anywhere you are  
In the spark that lies beneath the coals  
In the secret place inside your soul  
Keep my light in your eyes  
Say goodnight, not goodbye  
Don't you fear when you dream  
Waking up is never what it seems  
Like a jewel buried deep  
Like a promise meant to keep  
You are everything you want to be  
So let you heart reach out to me  
I'll be right by your side  
Say goodnight, not goodbye  
You are everything you want to be  
So just, let your heart reach out to me  
Keep my light in your eyes  
Say goodnight, not goodbye  
Lyrics by Beth Nielson Chapman  
  
  
  
  
  
October 2001  
0300 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
No regrets. He had no regrets for how the day ended or how the new one would begin. Both with Sarah MacKenzie, whom was adorning his bed as he stood in the cold living room. He had the most beautiful woman occupying his bed, yet he was not in it with her. It did not seem natural. He should be with her. He should be holding her in his arms. He should be remembering every single detail about this moment. He should be finally enjoying having Mac as his own after four long years.  
  
So, what was making him stay in the coldness of the living room? Was it the past emotions that they shared a lifetime ago? Was it the thought that she might leave tomorrow morning? One of them always left the next morning. It was never really a relationship between the two of them. She was with Dalton until his murder and he with Annie. It was never lovemaking between them. It could only be described as sex. More importantly, comfort sex. Whenever it happened between them, they were comforting each other. Harm never wanted to have that kind of relationship or be part of one. It was the dirty side of love. However, he did not know how to walk away.  
  
Neither of them knew how to walk away from it. They kept coming back to each other. Kept coming back to comfort each other. Whether it be after his breakup with Jordan or after hearing of her depression of never getting married or having children in this lifetime. He never wanted it to last as long as it did. He always wanted to tell her how he felt. He just never knew how. He could never put his feelings or emotions into words. Harm was always better with actions rather than words when it came to women.  
  
Harm paced from one end of then living room to the next as the memories ran through his mind. He could not stop the dread that seeped into his soul. What if she actually did leave in the morning? What if this was only more comfort sex for her? He had always thought that Mac felt the same way, but just could not voice it as well.   
  
He stopped in his tracks and furiously ran his fingers through his hair. All the thinking about the past got all his emotions in an upheaval. This was not how he wanted it to be after their lovemaking. Or was it comfort sex? God, he could not even tell the difference between the two. He finally believed that they got it right after screwing it up over the last four years. Yet, if they got it right, why was he feeling this way?  
  
A soft whispered voice sounded behind him. "What are you doing out here?"  
He turned around with a small smile on his face.   
  
His voice was soft, "Just thinking. I did not mean to wake you. Why don't you go back to sleep? I will be there in a little while."  
  
"Are you all right, Harm? It's three in the morning and you're out here instead of with me." Mac placed a comforting hand on his arm.  
  
He could not even look her in the eye. He felt ashamed for why he was not with her. How could he tell her that he was afraid of what tomorrow might bring? "I am afraid Mac." His voice was a low whisper.  
  
"Of what?" She made him look at her and she indeed saw the fear in his dazzling eyes.  
  
He bit his bottom lip before answering, "Tomorrow morning. Will you leave or not?"  
  
Mac's breath hitched in her throat at his response. With her hand shaking, she reached up and touched his cheek tenderly. How could she tell him the truth? How could she make him understand that she loved him? Her voice was a bit shaky when she responded; "I will be here in the morning, Harm. And for many more in the future or how ever long you want me in your life."  
  
"I want you in my life for eternity."  
  
The simple statement spoke volumes in Mac's soul. A few tears escaped her eyes while she spoke. "Then why are you so afraid?"  
  
He turned away from her, making her look at his back while he spoke in a soft voice. "Earlier today, after the Jagathon, you said about starting back at the beginning. I thought that you meant at the beginning of everything---before this thing happened between us. Therefore, when we made love earlier, I just thought it was comfort sex for you. I was so afraid of you leaving in the morning like you always did without knowing my true feelings for you."  
  
Mac came around and stood in front of him. Her chocolate brown eyes bored into his soul. "What are your true feelings, Harm?"  
  
He was hesitant. He did not know how to put them into words. Just say the words, Rabb. Just say those three little words she's been waiting for four years. "Mac...Sarah, I love you."  
  
A heartwarming smile graced her beautiful face at his statement. "I know. I've always known. Whenever the morning came, when it was time for me to leave, I could always see the love in your eyes. I hated doing that to you, but at the time, I was not ready to admit that I needed someone in my life or even admit that I loved someone."  
  
"Do you love me?"  
  
"I've always loved you, Harm. I just did not realize it until a couple of months ago, when Mic left me. You were always there when I needed you. Not just as a lover, but also as a friend. I had always needed you in my life and I don't want you to leave after we finally got it right." She leaned up on her tiptoes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.  
  
It was not meant to be needy or passionate. It was just let him know how she truly felt about him. But when Harm enclosed her into his tight embrace and his mouth plundered hers; Mac let herself go with the emotion she had forever held back.  
  
In the darkened, cold living room, the only sound was low moans and groans from the two lovers. Harm scooped her up in his arms and strolled to the bedroom. There he gently laid her down on the bed and shucked his pajama pants before joining her beneath the mounds of blankets.  
  
Mac immediately went into his embrace, her head lying on his chest. Beneath her ear, she heard the steady thumping of his heart and she was sure it matched her own. For the past four years, she slowly realized how insync with each other they really were. She just wished that they had admitted their true feelings for one another much earlier than they did. It would have saved them a lot of heartache and jealousy through the years.  
  
"Why did it take us so long to get to this point?" Mac asked a question that really did not need an answer. She already knew it. She had known the answer for some time. Both of them did. Mac just wanted to ask it, to make them think about all that they went through for just that moment.  
  
"I don't know, but I am glad that we made it. I would not change it for anything in this world."  
  
Her laughter was soft in his ear, "Not even for a tomcat?"  
  
"No, not even for a tomcat. Being with you and loving you is better than any flight I ever had in a tomcat. You complete me, Sarah." Harm whispered in her hair.  
  
She lazily caressed his chest, twirling her fingers through the tiny chest hairs. "Now, you're going all 'Jerry Maguire' on me." After the teasing statement, Mac immediately went back to being serious. "What are we going to do when we have to go back to work? How are we going to explain to the Admiral about our relationship? Harm, I don't want to hide this from anyone. I want everyone to know how I feel about you."  
  
"We will take this one day at a time. We will do this right this time, Sarah. I don't want to lose you to someone else again."  
  
Mac heard the pain and fear in his voice. She knew that he was frightened about losing her to Mic a year earlier. She just never knew how much he was until now. Who would've thought that they would be discussing their relationship this evening? Mac raised her head from his chest and looked into his eyes. "You will not lose me to anyone else. I'm not scared anymore. I love only you and I know that you love me as well."  
  
"I was so scared when you accepted the ring from Mic, but even more when he moved here to be with you. It was different when he was on the other side of the world. Yet, having him in D.C. brought more fear to me because I knew that you would commit to him more than if he was in Australia. At the point, I truly thought that I would lose you---not just as friend, but as someone that I loved. I just could not tell you how I felt because I was scared that you did not feel the same way." He brushed his fingers through her hair.  
  
"You thought I did not love you? Harm, I thought that what I said in Sydney Harbor was enough to let you know how I felt. Do you know how hard it was to accept Mic's ring? To me, it was like turning my back on everything that I ever felt for you. Everything that we ever shared---not only as friends, but also as lovers. I never wanted to hurt you." She felt the tension in his body diminish slightly. They still had many issues to discuss before either of them was comfortable in their relationship with each other.  
  
Harm traced a single finger down her smooth cheek and over her soft lips. He knew every curve of her body without even looking at her. It was imprinted in his mind. Yet, he was now able to touch her without any regrets or guilt eating him up inside.  
  
"Will we able to get past all those mistakes we made through the years?" He replied in a whispered voice.  
  
"Yes, I believe we will. Harm, I know we both made mistakes with what we started, but we've finally come full circle. I want a life with you. A life that will last for eternity. Please, don't make me wait that long for a life with you. I waited long enough to just be with you."  
  
Harm sat up in the bed quickly and drew her into his embrace. He buried his face in the curve of her neck, needing to hold onto that lifeline that she gave him all those years ago. His voice was a breathy whisper against her skin; "I would never make you wait that long. I want to have everything with you. I want to see you pregnant with our children. God, I just want you!"  
  
Mac pulled his head away from her neck and made him look into her eyes. There were tiny flecks of tears in his eyes, threatening to fall. She lightly kissed his lips, then the corners of his mouth, the tip of his nose and finally his closed eye lids. She rested her forehead against his as she spoke softly, "You have me. You always did. No one could ever take your place in my heart. I promise that you will never lose me."  
  
The statement brought back memories of when she first said those words. It was at her engagement party and they spent the whole time on the Admiral's porch. He was so frightened that night because it was finally hitting him that she was getting married to someone else besides him. She fell in love with someone other than him. That night he was desperate to try and make her understand his feelings for her, and it showed in the kiss they shared before they went inside. It was a kiss full of desperation and need. A need that he wanted to cling onto and never let go. However, he had to let go, because Mac was not his. She never truly was until now.  
  
Mac was his until the end of time. That would be how long he would hold onto her. He never wanted to let her go. He never wanted to let her go after their first night together, but he did and it cost him. Four precious years were lost to them. Yet, they had a second chance to make new memories with each other.  
  
"I love you, Sarah." Harm had no trouble letting the words roll off his tongue. It was like second nature to him, because he had wanted to say those words for four years.  
  
"And I love you." Her words were said against his lips before they engaged in a heated kiss.   
  
Harm lay back against the pillows, pulling her on to of him. The need for oxygen broke apart their mouths. She laid her head on his chest, again listening to soft thumping of his heart. She would never grow tired of that one sound. She established that sound with home. Sarah MacKenzie had finally come home.  
She snuggled down underneath the blankets, resting her head in the crook of his arm. Harm's hand was on her hip in a possessive manner and Mac loved it. He rested his cheek on top of her head, breathing in the faint scent of her shampoo. Strawberries. A faint smile tugged at his lips as he closed his eyes.   
  
Before he never noticed the little things about Mac, because he never had time to. Their time together was always limited. They were always sneaking behind everyone's backs and the guilt on their mind indefinitely. The regrets in their hearts every time they finished. Now, it was different. No guilt every time they locked eyes with each other when they were out with their significant others. No hiding their smoldering glances from each other. However, most of all, no regrets. No more regrets. 


	2. Chapter 1

October 1998  
2200 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
He could not make the alcohol disappear fast enough. He could not make her vision disappear from his thoughts. He was still hurt from her betrayal. He knew that it was not a betrayal---it just felt like it. A punch in the stomach, more like it. How could she leave JAG for Dalton Lowne? Was he that special to her that she would resign her commission in the Marine Corps and give up her position at JAG?   
  
The bitter taste in his mouth from the alcohol reminded him that he was going about his depression the wrong way. He should not drown his sorrows in alcohol. Yet, it made his body and heart feel so much better. But, this was not he. He never got drunk like this. Besides, Mac would not approve of his behavior. Harm took one last sip of the scotch before pouring the rest of the glass in the sink. He saw the contents slide down the drain and wished that they were sliding down the back of his throat.   
  
Harm took a deep breath, went to the refrigerator and got out a bottle of water. He opened it and took a long swig of the cold liquid. It did not have the same effect as the scotch, but he kept telling himself that he was doing the right thing. He was not in the mood to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow morning.  
After venturing into the living room, he sat down on the couch. He propped his feet on the coffee table and leaned his head back against the cushions. He had no clue why he was feeling this way. Mac was a friend, of course---but he was acting as if he was losing someone that he loved deeply. His feelings towards her did not venture into that department. They were only friends. Intimacy was not part of their friendship. Sure, he cared for Mac and would miss her terribly at JAG. But, he did not love her. Harm ran a hand furiously through his hair and the thoughts coursed through his mind.  
  
He could not stay sitting down. Harm stood up from the couch and strolled back into the kitchen area. On the way there, a knock sounded on the apartment door. Harm was not expecting any visitors, especially at ten o'clock at night. A part of him wanted to ignore the person on the other side and wallow in his self-pity; yet, the other part of him wondered if it were Mac on the other side. If was her, he should open the door. She wouldn't leave him standing outside if the roles were reversed.  
  
Harm went over to the door and opened it to reveal Mac on the other side. She gave him a faint smile while he stood aside to let her inside. She went straight to the island counter and deposited her purse and keys on it.   
  
"What do I owe this visit, Mac?" The words were harsh on his tongue and he grimaced. He did not mean for them to come out quite like that.  
  
She heard the harshness in his voice, but she brushed it off as being tired. It was ten o'clock at night and here she was visiting his apartment. "I came to talk to you, Harm. We did not have time to say things that were left unsaid earlier at JAG."  
  
"I'm surprised that Lowne let you out of his sight for even a brief second." He went over to the window that overlooked alley outside his apartment.  
  
"Harm, why are you doing this? Why are you being this way with me?" Mac strolled over and stopped beside him. He did not turn his head and face her, so she continued, "Are you trying to make me hate you? Is this your idea of pushing me away because I left JAG?"  
  
He did not respond to any of her questions. He just glanced in her direction with a look of hurt in his eyes, before he went over to the couch and sat down. Once more, Mac followed him and sat down beside him as well.  
  
"Harm__." Harm speaking cut off the rest of her words.  
  
His eyes were focused on the wall in front of him rather than on her. If he looked at Mac, he might lose it right in front of her. "What do you want me to say, Mac? That I'm lost without you? That I'm angry with you for making this decision? That I won't know what do when I go back to JAG on Monday. What do you want to hear?"  
  
At that moment he turned and looked at her. She always believed that the eyes told all the secrets a person was hiding. What she saw in Harm's eyes tore at her heart. She had never seen so much pain in them before. She had never believed that her leaving would do so much to Harm. Mac reached out a hand and laid it on his arm. She could feel the tension in his body and wished that she could do something to relieve his pain.  
  
"I'm sorry, Harm. This was a mistake coming here." Mac stood up and went over to the island counter to grab her things. She was halfway to the door when a hand on her arm pulled her back.  
  
His eyes pleading to her as well as his voice. "Don't leave, Mac. Please stay."  
  
"Why should I stay? You obviously resent me right now."  
  
"I don't resent you. I...I just...I just don't understand why you did this. You were happy at JAG, or so I thought."  
  
Harm let go of her arm and waited for her to respond. She had no idea how to make him understand her reasons. She told the Admiral about wanting 'to spread her wings' and she thought it was a good opportunity. Was she making the decision for her or for Dalton, though? Mac brushed the last thought from her mind and focused her attention on Harm.  
  
"I don't know how to make you understand my decision. I think it's a good opportunity for me. I certainly wasn't getting the pick of the litter at JAG with cases. Did you happen to see what the Admiral was giving me lately?" She put her things back on the island counter, deciding to stay awhile longer.  
  
"Was this major career move for you or for Lowne?" Again, his voice became bitter as he dodged her last question and asked his own.  
  
"It was for me. I would never make a decision this major for someone else." Mac crossed her arms beneath her breasts.  
  
Harm looked her straight in the eye, the words bitter on his tongue, but he did nothing to stop them from being said. "Well, you do everything else for him. Why should anything else be different?"  
  
Her eyes turned dark and the glare that she shot his way bore through his soul. Her voice was laced with venom, "That's it! I am not taking anymore of this. I came here to talk to you, but you're acting like a five-year old. I'm leaving and don't try to stop me."  
  
With that last statement, she stormed out of the apartment. Harm cursed himself for letting his emotions get the better of him. He ran his hands down his face as he thought of a way to apologize to Mac. He cursed himself once more, as he ran out of the apartment, hoping to catch Mac before she drove away.  
~*~*~*~*~*   
  
He was running out of his building just as Mac got into her Jeep Cherokee. Harm sprinted to her car and placed his hand on the window as she started the vehicle, bringing the engine to life. Mac sighed deeply as she rolled down the window to speak to him.  
  
"Harm, what are you doing?" She was still a bit mad at him and it showed in her voice.  
  
"Apologizing to you." He looked up at the night sky, hoping in some divine way, it would help him with what he wanted to say to Mac. "I'm sorry for my actions a few minutes ago. It was wrong of me to say those things without knowing your true reasons. Please, come back inside."  
  
He sounded so sincere, but she was hesitant in going back inside with him. Harm had truly hurt her with his words. Mac had never seen that side of him before. Sure, he had hurt her before, but it was early in their partnership and they were still feeling each other out. Yet, just now, in the apartment, his words not only hurt her emotionally, but physically. She thought that Harm cared about her and would never say those kinds of things to her. Mac was torn between her heart and her mind. Her mind was telling her to say 'no' and head back to her apartment with her heart in one piece. However, her heart kept saying to go back up with him and fix things between the two of them. The funny thing, though, Mac did not know which one to follow.  
  
"Harm..." Her voice was soft, all the anger having left it, "I don't know about coming back inside. I don't want to fight with you anymore tonight."  
  
"Mac, please. I don't want to fight with you either. Please." With his voice and eyes pleading her, Mac could not resist him.   
  
And Mac hated herself for not being able to resist him. "All right, Harm. I'll come back up with you, but one more hateful thing said to me from you, I am out the door. Is that clear?"  
  
"Crystal." He flashed her a small smile while opening the car door for her. Once she exited the Jeep, Harm took her hand in his and they went back into the building together.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
2315 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
  
For the past hour, the two of them sat on the couch and talked. Harm got up to get them both a bottle of water. On his way to the kitchen, the CD in the stereo changed and thumping sounds of the Surfaris' 'Wipeout' echoed throughout the apartment. To make Mac laugh, he started drumming on the counter, in perfect time with the song. Just as he wanted, Mac's laughter blended in with the music and Harm let the sound of her laughter wash over him like a spring rain.  
  
He returned with their water and sat back down beside her. "Does Dalton know where you are?"  
  
"No, he does not. Harm, he is not my keeper. I can go anywhere I want to go. So, I am staying here for as long as you want me." She took a sip of water.  
  
"I want you here forever." His voice was a soft whisper and he quickly diverted Mac's attention away from his response. The strains of the next song wafted from the stereo. Harm stood up and offered his hand to Mac.  
  
She looked at him quizingly, "You want to dance now?"  
  
"Yes. Please, dance with me, Sarah."  
  
Mac obliged him and they went into the middle of the apartment. Her arms went around his middle and her head pillowed against his chest. His hands laid on her back as his forehead rested against her shoulder. Their bodies moved to the beat of the song as well as the intoxicating words.  
  
These arms of mine   
They are lonely, lonely and feeling blue   
These arms of mine   
They are yearning, yearning from wanting you   
And if you would let them hold you   
Oh, how grateful I will be   
These arms of mine   
They are burning, burning from wanting you   
These arms of mine   
They are wanting, wanting to hold you   
And if you would let them hold you   
Oh, how grateful I will be   
Come on, come on baby   
Just be my little woman, just be my lover, oh   
I need me somebody, somebody to treat me right, oh   
I need your woman's loving arms to hold me tight   
And I...I...I need...I need your...I need your tender lips  
  
As the last of song faded away, Harm lifted his head from her shoulder and glanced into her brown eyes. Unbeknownst to himself, his hand reached out and tenderly touched her cheek. His thumb traced over her full lips, filing the memory of what her skin felt like underneath his fingertips, into his mind. Something tugged within him as he continued to caress her face with gentleness. Harm did not know what to make of this particular feeling. He had never felt anything like that before when with a woman. He had always somehow managed to keep his heart out of many of his relationships. However, this was different.  
  
He withdrew his hand from Mac's face, reached down between them and clasped hers in his. With her in tow beside him, he strolled to the bedroom.   
  
Mac went willingly with him, but wondered what was going through his mind to make a decision like this. She spoke in a soft whisper, "Harm, what are you doing?"  
  
Harm kept on walking, ascending the stairs to the bedroom. "Something that I'll probably regret in the future, but right now, it just seems right." He stopped them both right beside the bed and drew her into his strong embrace.  
  
"What are you planning to do?"  
  
"I want you. I want to love you for just one night." He framed her face with his large hands.  
  
A soft gasp came from her lips at the sound of his declaration. She gave him a small teasing smile, "Just one night? You don't want anymore?"  
  
He leaned down his head and gave her a short, hard passionate kiss. After a brief swipe of his tongue on her parted lips, he pulled back. His eyes were laden with desire and his voice a husky whisper, "I want you for more than one night, Mac. I want you for lots of nights, but you're not mine. I can never have you."  
  
"Say the words, Harm, and I can be yours." Mac wished he would say something that would make her forget about the relationship with Dalton. Dalton was just a substitute until something better came along. Right now, something better was Harmon Rabb. Yet, he was being righteous and not voicing his feelings for her. He truly thought she enjoyed being with Dalton.   
  
Mac wished on a lonely star that the words that she wanted from Harm would just flow from his lips. She reached up a tentative hand and traced his lips with her fingers. Much to her surprise, he gently kissed her fingertips as they lingered on his lips before retreating.  
  
"Can we handle just one night, Harm? Can we stop ourselves from feeling something from this night together?"  
  
"I don't know. We'll just have to see for ourselves."  
  
With that last statement, he figured that talking was overrated from that moment on. He fused his mouth with hers, probing her lips apart and easily slipping his tongue inside her luscious mouth. Mac surrendered to his kiss by wrapping her arms around his neck.  
  
Harm backed her up until the bed bumped the backs of her legs, all the while   
maintaining contact with her lips. For a brief second, he ended the kiss and looked into her eyes. There was no turning back now---they had already crossed the line that could not be recrossed. A whimper came from her lips from the brief departure of his mouth on hers. At the sound of it, his control broke completely. He truly wanted this woman---this beautiful, exotic woman who was also strong-willed and compassionate. How could he deny himself any longer? Harm once more claimed her mouth with his own, his tongue slipping easily inside as he laid them down on the bed.  
  
Again, he broke the kiss and a frustrated groan came from Mac. She was getting angry with him for breaking off their kisses. She could kiss him forever, if it were possible. Yet, he was not hers to kiss forever or make love to for more than one night. Tonight was all she had and she wouldn't let her thoughts ruin it.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0615 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
From his spot at the island counter, he watched her gather her shoes from the floor in the bedroom, then descend the stairs. Even before he looked at her, he knew that her eyes were tired looking because he just recently saw the same look in his own. Throughout the night, he had lost count of how many times they had sex, but he did remember using all the condoms on top of the nightstand. They just could not get enough of each other. It was as if they did not want their one night to end.   
  
"Are you leaving now?" His voice was raspy from just waking up fifteen minutes ago.  
  
"Yeah. I have to be at the office at eight o'clock." Mac spoke softly as she slipped on her shoes. "Harm, are we okay?"  
  
He took a long sip of coffee before answering. "Yeah, why wouldn't we be? We agreed it was just one night as well as not feeling anything from that night."  
  
"I don't want this to ruin our friendship. I hope we did not do just that by taking the big step last night." Mac went over to him and laid a hand on his bare shoulder.  
  
Harm turned his head and glanced at her. Although she looked as tired as he felt, she still looked beautiful and thoroughly loved. "I will always be your friend, Mac. That will never change. It was just comfort sex, Mac. I was feeling down because of your leaving and you helped to comfort me. That's all it was."  
He stood up from the stool and went over to the window, putting some distance between them. Mac still stood beside the island counter, letting what he said sink into her brain. Comfort sex? He was labeling what they did together comfort sex. It was surely wasn't making love, but to label it as comfort sex made what they did so dirty.  
  
Mac ran a ragged hand through her tousled hair. "Is that how you're labeling our night together?"  
  
"What else can it be called, Mac? We were both in need of some comfort and were lucky that there was someone else around."  
  
"It's just that comfort sex sounds so dirty." She said lowly.  
  
Harm turned around and went back over to her. He stood only a few inches away from her, "What we did was dirty. We went behind our significant others backs and had sex. We cheated on them, Mac and yet, we will go back to them tonight, acting as if nothing happened. I'll be able to deal with that. Will you?"  
  
Mac gathered up her things from the counter and headed for the door, simply avoiding his question all together. She was about to open the door when his voice sounded to her.  
  
"You did not answer my question, Mac."   
  
She turned her face and looked at him. "Yes, I will able to deal with it. However, I don't think that you will. You are so honorable that you will probably have doubts with sleeping with Annie again, since what transpired between us would be on your mind. By the way, the kind of relationship that Dalton and I have is not something that will last very long. I'll see you around, Harm."  
  
With that last statement, she left the apartment and him with his thoughts. He ran a shaky hand down his face as he let what she said sink into his mind. Mac was right. He was honorable and would probably have doubts with sleeping with Annie again. Their night together would always be on his mind, driving him insane.  
~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	3. Chapter 2

Six Weeks Later  
2315 EST  
En Route to Mac's Apartment  
  
Her nightmare was over. Her stalker could not frighten her anymore. As she sat in the passenger seat of Harm's Corvette, Mac laid her hands in her lap and glanced out the window, watching the city of Washington pass as they went by. She let the thoughts of the past six weeks invade her mind while Harm made his way through the streets to her apartment.   
  
Her new job was not what she had expected. All she did since the day she arrived was write briefs and sit in her damn office. Dalton made it sound so career boosting---probably for him but definitely not for her. The only court acting she got came from defending Harm on murder charges. Harm had paid a large sum of money for documents concerning his father's whereabouts in Russia. From the first time she heard the news, Mac never believed that Harm killed the man---it just wasn't in his nature. Yet, when he wanted information of his father, he would do anything. He couldn't control that obsession until he found out the truth.  
  
After the verdict of Harm's trial, she went to the Admiral, hoping that she could get her position back. Amazingly, he took her back after a rather soul-wrenching speech from herself. She never felt better in all her life. She was back where she belonged and that only enflamed Dalton more. Not to mention her avoiding him and canceling their dinner dates almost every night.  
It did not seem right to go out with another man when her mind was on someone else. Ever since that wonderful night in Harm's bed, she could not get it out of her mind. Besides, she had been seriously considering ending the relationship with Dalton. She didn't want to string him along anymore since she did not want the relationship to go any further.  
  
However, Dalton made the huge mistake of taking evidence from her desk and basically showing it to the public, during a case they were working on, on opposite sides. She had never felt more betrayed in her entire life. No matter how many times she told him it was over, Dalton never got the message. It took a meeting at McMurphy's to tell him that it was truly over.  
  
Not only over for them as a couple, but as well as Dalton's life. How could she think that Dalton was the one who was stalking her? How could she do such a thing? The turmoil that she felt a day before would only get worse as the week wore on. After Dalton's murder, she briefly fell off the wagon and said so many hurtful things to Harm. Mac never thought he would ever speak to her again. Not only did Harm forgive her, but he helped find her stalker and catch him with the help of their client, who happened to be Harm's first suspect. Without any of them getting seriously hurt, they caught the stalker, who was the police detective working on her case.  
  
Only hours before, Harm escorted Mac to the police station where they both answered questions with no hassles. The detectives did not keep the two of them long and now, they were pulling up in front of Mac's apartment. Harm helped her out of his 'Vette, then wrapped his arm around her waist as they headed toward the door.  
  
Once they were in the elevator, Mac thought he would drop his arm from her waist, yet much to her surprise, he continued to hold her against his side. Even when they reached her floor, Harm held her close to him as they walked down the hallway to her apartment. Harm loosened his grip, so Mac could open the door, then strolled through the doorway.  
  
Mac spoke for the first time since they left the police station, "I'm going to take a shower, Harm."  
  
He noticed the tiredness in her voice. He rubbed her lower back gently, "All right. I'll fix some tea while you're in there." Harm kissed the top of her head before heading toward the kitchen, but stopped when she called to him.  
  
"You don't have to do that, Harm. Why don't you go home? You need some sleep and you won't get it here, watching over me." She leaned against the doorway leading into her bedroom.  
  
He flashed her a small smile. "I know I don't have to, but I want to. I care about you, and I want to make sure you're all right."  
  
"Thank you, Harm."  
  
"You're welcome, Sarah. Now go get your shower." He flashed another smile and Mac returned it with a small one.  
  
"Yes, sir." She saluted him then retreated into the bedroom and shut the door behind her.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Twenty Minutes Later  
  
Harm had two steaming mugs of tea on the coffee table for the both of them. He hoped that she was all right in the shower. He had never known Mac to take long---even when they were on investigations. He did not have a good gut feeling. He got up from the couch, walked over to the bedroom, and knocked on the door lightly.  
  
When he received no answer, Harm got a shaky feeling. Something was not right. Eventhough, Mac had been through a lot the whole week, she would try to be strong in front of Harm. He did not want to walk in on her while getting dressed, but on the other hand, he wanted to be sure that she was fine and only took a leisurely shower.  
  
Harm pushed all his inhibitions aside and opened the bedroom door. He poked his head in and found it empty. When he came into the room completely, he took a full look around. The writing on the wall above her bed was still there, but she managed to get all her clothes back in their respective drawers. Harm heard faint crying and it dawned on him that it was coming from the bathroom. He quickly went over to the doorway and gently pushed it open to find Mac sitting on the toilet, wrapped only in a towel, sobbing quietly.  
  
He went over to her and immediately gathered her into his strong arms, not caring that only a towel stood between him and her bare body. A bare body that he knew all the curves too. A bare body that he longed to touch once more. No, he would not think about loving Mac. She needed her best friend and that would be the only thought on his mind for the time being. Mac buried her face in the curve of his neck as he sat down on the toilet seat, with her tucked neatly in his lap.  
  
"It's all right, Mac. I'm here for you. Just let it out, baby." He whispered softly in her ear.  
  
"How could he do this to me, Harm? He changed my life forever. I'm going to live in fear now! Goddamn him!" She said into his neck, through her sobs.  
  
His voice was a soothing tone in her ear, "I'll help you get through this, Mac. I will be here for you." Harm did not know any other way to respond. He hoped that what he said helped soothe her mind. His hands lazily caressed her back in gentle motions, hoping to calm her down.  
  
She sniffled, "You have your own life, Harm. You have a relationship with Annie. I don't think she'll be thrilled with us spending lots of time together." Her breath tickled the skin of his neck.  
  
Harm made Mac raise her head and look into his captivating eyes, "I want to do this, Mac. As I said earlier, I care about you. How could I not care? We've been through a lot together and I know you from the inside out. Coster put you through hell and I want to help you. How can you tell me not to?" His hand cupped her cheek in a loving manner.  
  
The simple touch made Mac almost choke on her tears. The touch made it seem like he cared---or even more, he loved her. Yet, he did not. He was in love with Annie. He wanted numerous nights with Annie. Not with her. Unconsciously, she leaned into his touch. "Oh, Harm. I'm sorry."  
  
More tears started to fall and he gathered her close once more. He felt the tears seeping through his dress shirt, but he did not care about his damn shirt. He soothed her with calm words and small circles on her back with his fingers.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0015 EST  
Mac's Apartment  
Georgetown  
  
After the breakdown in the bathroom, Mac emerged from the bedroom fully composed. She had not wanted to break down in front of him. She had always kept her cool façade in front of him before, but she just could not be strong anymore. Mac felt ashamed because Harm saw her weak and needy. The only other time he saw her like that was when they in Norfolk, trying the case of the Navy Chief killing his wife's lover. It dealt with spousal abuse and Mac kept seeing her father, hitting her mother. She had lost it with Harm and he saw the pain that she felt as a young child. And just moments ago, he saw the pain from the whole week just come out in one lump sum. He did not say much of anything, but he held her the whole time she cried.  
  
Mac finished the last of her tea, then set the cup on the coffee table. She leaned her head against the back of the couch and propped her feet on the table. The only thing she really wanted to do was crawl into her bed and fall into a peaceful sleep. However, that was not bound to happen, since she still had weird vibes about sleeping in her room with the writing on the wall. It still unsettled Mac about the thought of someone being in her room, rummaging through her drawers. Ever since that happened, she had slept on the couch, not sleeping much at all anyhow.  
  
Harm's entrance from the kitchen brought Mac out her thoughts, "Mac, are you all right?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you done in the kitchen?" She sat straight up and dropped her feet to the floor.  
  
Harm sat down beside her. "Yeah, everything is cleaned up. I was going to head home, if you're all right."  
  
Mac hesitated with her response, hoping that Harm would not take it the wrong way. "Please don't go home. I want you to stay here tonight. Please, Harm. I'm not a person who normally admits when I'm scared, but right now, I am terrified." A few tears sprang from her eyes and made trails down her cheeks.  
  
"All right, I'll stay. Right here on the couch, near you all night." Harm gently wiped the tears away with the pad of his thumb.  
  
"Can I stay out here with you?"  
  
"Mac, the couch is barely big enough for me, so I don't think it would be big enough for the both of us. Besides, you'd be more comfortable in your own bed."  
  
"I don't want to sleep in my room until I can repaint it. I have not slept in there since Coster broke into the apartment. Harm, please, can you just hold me tonight." She scooted closer to him on the couch, until he wrapped her into his strong embrace. With her face buried in the curve of his neck, she spoke once more, "I was so terrified that you wouldn't find me. Coster had a look in his eyes that made my stomach clench in disgust, because I knew what he wanted to do to me. I'm a Marine for God's sakes, but that man made me so terrified. I did not know what to do."  
  
His hand rubbed her lower back as he spoke softly to her, "I found you, Mac. That's all you have to remember. I would never let you get hurt, by anyone. Let me get some blankets and pillows for us. We'll camp out on the floor in front of the fireplace. It'll be more comfortable for you."  
  
"All right." Mac whispered and let him set her back. Harm quickly went into the bedroom and returned with two pillows and an armful of blankets.  
  
It only took him a few minutes to get their bedding on the floor ready. He then turned to her and pulled Mac to her feet. Harm settled down on the floor, propping both pillows behind his head. After he was comfortable, he grabbed Mac's hand in his and gently pulled down to rest her head on his chest.  
  
Mac settled herself against his warm body. His strong arms wound themselves around her slender waist. Mac laid her smaller ones on his chest.  
  
"You comfortable, Mac?"  
  
Her voice had a hint of a smile mixed in and it made Harm's heart skip a beat, "Very much so. Thank you for staying tonight."  
  
"You're welcome." He whispered in a husky voice that sent shivers down her spine. "Now, close your eyes and try to get some sleep. And when you wake in the morning, I'll be here with you." Harm placed a light kiss on the top of her head.  
  
She yawned her response and cuddled into his embrace. Harm reached for an extra blanket and draped it over the both of them. He looked at her in his arms, already falling into peaceful dreams. At least, he hoped. He had known about her trouble at sleeping, but never realized how badly it was until tonight. He reached down a tentative hand and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Mac moaned softly in her sleep and Harm thought that she never looked more beautiful than while sleeping.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0615 EST  
Mac's Apartment  
Georgetown  
  
God, she felt like an idiot. Actually believed that if she begged him, he would have sex with her. How stupid could she have been? Harm didn't want her. Not for more than one night. Why would she believe that Harm would have sex when she needed some comfort? Mac 'comforted' him when he needed it. Yet, he could not return the favor. She was in dire need of some comfort last night---well, at least at three o'clock this morning. After the stress of being held by Coster and being stalked by him the past week, Mac just wanted Harm. Not only as her lover, but also as a friend. A friend that she could talk to and not be looked at as the village idiot for feeling the way she felt everytime the phone rang or heard a strange sound when walking to her car.  
  
"Mac, are you okay?" Harm said softly from the kitchen doorway.  
  
Harm's voice startled her and she swiftly turned around with a paring knife in her hand from the counter. Harm raised his hands, showing her that he was unarmed. She gasped slightly, ashamed that she just pulled a knife on her best friend. Her hand shook uncontrollably and the knife fell to the kitchen floor.  
Mac leaned heavily on the counter, as her breathing became short gasps and tears streamed down her face. Harm reacted quickly, pulling her into his strong embrace and tucking her head beneath his chin. He stroked her hair in a calming motion.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Harm." His shirt muffled her voice.  
  
"Ssh, sweetheart. It's all right." He whispered to her, his voice a gentle tone.   
  
"I am not mad, just a little surprised."  
Mac lifted her head and looked into his eyes. "I would never hurt you, Harm."  
  
"I know."  
  
"But, you hurt me last night when you rejected my offer last night. Do you know how much I wanted you? How much I wanted to feel you inside me and all around me?" Mac pushed away from him and stalked out of the kitchen, into the living room.  
  
Harm followed behind, "It wouldn't have been right, Mac. You were hurting too much and I would've been taking advantage of you."  
  
"Don't tell me how much I was hurting last night!" Her anger was at full flare. "I hurt more from your rejection than being stalked by Coster. Besides, didn't you describe what happened between us six weeks ago as 'comfort sex'. I needed some comfort last night and you wouldn't give it to me."  
  
Harm winced at her anger from him. "You didn't need that kind last night, Mac. You needed a friend, not a lover, and that's what I was."  
  
"You always have the answers, don't you?" Her voice was laced with venom.  
  
"Mac__."  
  
Her shouting cut him off, "Get out. I don't want to hear anymore of this shit." Mac turned her back to him and went into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.  
  
Harm hung his head and slumped his shoulders. He didn't know how to get it through to her. It was impossible, but she was going through a tough time. It was probably the stress and fear talking earlier. Harm gathered his belongings and headed out the door. He could try to reason with her when they arrived at JAG later in the morning.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
0845 EST  
JAG Headquarters  
Falls Church, VA  
  
"So, Major, how you doing this morning?" The Admiral stood in front of his desk, looking at both of his senior officers.  
  
"I'm doing good, sir. If it would be possible, I'd like to get back to work right away."  
  
Harm spoke up before the Admiral could respond, "Sir, I think that Major MacKenzie should take a few days leave. She's been through a lot this past week." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mac glance at him with a stately glare in her eyes.  
  
The Admiral noticed the look that Mac gave Harm and wondered what went on after Harm rescued Mac from Coster. "Major, do you want some leave time? Or are you capable of jumping back into your work schedule?"  
  
"Sir, I believe I am capable of getting back to work."  
  
"Okay. I plan to see that deposition on my desk by the end of tomorrow." He nodded at Mac and she gave him a slight nod in return.  
  
"Sir, I think___."  
  
The Admiral cut him off, "Commander, I think the Major is a big girl and can make her own decisions." He gave Harm a cold stare then spoke in his SEAL voice, "You both are dismissed."  
  
They both stood at attention before exiting the office. Harm watched his partner stroll to her own office and close the door. She would survive, he knew that much, but he wished that she would talk to him. Let her emotion out in the open. Yet, he ruined that image this morning with their argument. From that point, he did not even know if she would talk to him again.  
~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	4. Chapter 3

Three Weeks Later  
1735 EST  
Bud and Harriet's Reception  
  
Since Annie dumped him a few weeks prior, Harm kept catching himself staring at Mac. This time he caught himself watching her from across the room, in conversation with Carolyn Imes, while he himself lost all interest in what AJ Chegwidden was saying to him. He much rather stare at his partner and take in her ethereal beauty. It then dawned on him, throughout the whole day, he had never once said she looked beautiful. Which indeed she was. More beautiful than any other woman in the room. Harm felt a tug at his heart when a smile lit up Mac's face at something Carolyn said. It not only lit up her face, but also lit up the whole room.   
  
He knew what he had to do. Harm quickly excused himself from AJ and made a detour to the DJ before heading over to where Mac and Carolyn were sitting. His only fear was that she would not like his gesture or even worse, would not want to dance with him. Ever since he denied her the night after he rescued her from Coster, Mac had been civil with him, but it was different between them. He wanted what they had before, yet, they could not go back to that time. It ended the night they slept together. They had crossed a line and it would never be the same between them, no matter how hard they tried.  
  
Harm quietly strolled up behind Mac, stopped and leaned down until his mouth was against her ear. His voice was a husky tone and it sent shivers down her spine, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"  
  
"I never pictured you as a Shakespeare man, Harm." A smile tugged at her lips.  
"Sonnet 18 is one of my favorites, I'll have you know. Any way, I was wondering if you like to dance with me." Such a gentleman, he held out his hand to her.  
  
Mac flashed him a small smile before placing her hand in his. He helped her to her feet and together, they went out onto the dance floor. The first strains of the song wafted from the speakers placed around the area. The soft voice of the singer hypnotized everyone as well as the couple in the center of the dance floor.  
  
Wise men say  
Only fools rush in  
But I can't help   
Falling in love with you  
Shall I stay?  
Would it be a sin?  
If I can't help  
Falling in love with you  
  
Mac rested her cheek on his shoulder and draped her arms around his neck. Beneath her cheek, she could feel the hard muscle, but knew deep down, tenderness resided in his body. "I love this song, Harm. How did you know?" She spoke softly.  
  
"Just lucky, I guess." He framed her face with his hands, brushing her cheeks with his thumbs. "I'm sorry that I haven't said that you look beautiful today."  
  
"You just said it now."  
  
Harm chuckled at what she said. "I meant wholeheartedly. You really look beautiful, Sarah. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee after the reception?"  
  
She leaned up on her tiptoes and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. "That is for the compliment and yes, I would love to have a cup of coffee with you."  
Harm smiled in response and they finished dancing to the song.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
2315 EST  
Mac's Apartment  
Georgetown  
  
Harm walked Mac to her door, just like the gentleman he perceived himself to be that day. Once she opened the door, Mac invited him inside and he could not deny her, no matter how hard he tried. He closed the door behind him and stood in the middle of the living room. Mac tossed her purse and keys onto the coffee table then turned around to face him. His face marred few emotions but she noticed the lustful look in his eyes. The same one she saw when he loved her so long ago. What she would give for another night with him. Yet, she could not handle being rejected once more by him. It would destroy her.  
  
"Would you like to stay for a nightcap?"  
  
"Mac__." Her name was a low groan from his lips. It sent shivers straight to her core and she longed to have him buried there.  
  
"I meant, would you like to stay for coffee?" She tried to divert his attention by changing her sentence.  
  
He took two steps and that brought him within inches of her. He could feel the heat radiating from both of their bodies. He could hear her breaths coming out in short gasps. His voice was a low, throaty whisper, "No, you didn't, Mac. Why do you want me to stay?"  
  
"Because I'm depressed." She stated firmly.  
  
"Why? Today was a joyous occasion." One more step and he felt her breasts brushing against his chest with each breath she took.  
  
Her hands pressed against his chest, not knowing whether to grab it in her fist and pull him to her, or push him away. "I just saw two of my friends get married and I have yet to have a wonderful guy to spend the rest of my life with."  
  
"What if that man was standing in front of you?" He looked down at her hands, fiddling with the buttons on his dress whites, then raised his eyes to meet hers.  
  
His eyes were hypnotizing and she found herself being drawn into his question. "If he was, I couldn't have him. I wouldn't want to ruin his career or my own."  
The answer was not what he expected. Harm brushed his fingers through her hair,   
  
"Sarah..."  
  
"Love me, Harm. Give me one more night with you." Mac cut him off because she was afraid of what he was going to say. She distracted him more by unbuttoning his jacket swiftly before pushing it off his shoulders and onto the floor. They would worry about it later.  
  
Harm reached behind her and pulled down the zipper on her dress. He pushed the dress off her shoulders, watched it slide down her body and pool at her feet. He sucked in a shaky breath at the sight before him.   
  
She was wearing black lace. A bra that barely held her bountiful breasts captive and thongs that made his heart beat wildly in his chest. Harm caressed her rounded cheeks as he hauled her to him. Mac felt his erection poking her stomach and rubbed seductively against it, causing a low groan to come from Harm.  
  
He cupped her cheeks in his large hands, picked her up and instructed her to wrap her legs around his waist. Their mouths met in a heated kiss, tongues lashing, trying to overpower each other, but neither winning. He strolled into the bedroom and kicked the door shut with his foot.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0530 EST  
Mac's Apartment  
  
Quietly, he disengaged himself from her arms and rolled out of bed. He pulled on his boxers and pants. Once they were fastened, he pulled on his t-shirt and looked for his shoes. He only wondered why they were thrown last night. Sex between them last night was needy. They couldn't get enough of each other and used the whole supply of condoms that Mac kept in her nightstand drawer. At least it was only half a box and not a whole one, or they would have been reaching for each other more often.  
  
He spotted his shoes over by the closet door. He picked them up and took one last look at the sleeping beauty. She was now curled up on his side of the bed, hugging the pillow that he used, to her face. Harm reached out a tentative hand and brushed his fingers through her tousled hair. Mac sighed in sleep, but did not wake up.  
  
Harm exited the room and closed the door behind him. He picked up his jacket where it was left on the living room floor. He slung it over his arm as he went over to her desk. After searching for a few minutes, he managed to find a have sheet of paper and a pen. He wrote a short note to Mac and then something special. He folded it in half and wrote her name of the front. With such stealth, he went back into the bedroom and placed the note on the pillow beside her. Then, he left the apartment, wondering what they both gotten themselves into.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0700 EST  
  
Her internal clock woke her up and she blindly reached out a hand beside her to find the space empty. What made her think that he had stayed? What made her think that last night was different from the first time? She buried her face in her pillow and groaned in disgust for herself. Disgusted that she fell hard for Harmon Rabb. Disgusted that she thought that she could handle just sleeping with Harm and not expecting anything in return. No words of love or some sort of commitment.  
  
Mac turned her head and saw the note lying on the pillow that harbored his scent. His scent that she could still smell on her own body. She unfolded it and started the familiar scrawl. She only got a few sentences in before she crumbled up the letter and threw it in the trash. How dare he? How dare he say 'thank you' for a wonderful night? She was not some prostitute that he got off the street. Granted, what transpired between the two of them both times was sex, but she would not treated like some whore.   
  
She got up from the bed and headed for the bathroom. She would not give into his charms a third time around like she did the first time. She was a Marine. She could handle Harmon Rabb. She was strong enough to withstand his ways of charming women into bed. He obviously couldn't resist her, but Mac could resist him. It was possible.   
  
As she passed the trash can, she saw the last part of the letter still visible.  
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"  
  
Something about that tugged at her heart, but Mac would not let it affect her. If Harm said it to her again, she wouldn't break.   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	5. Chapter 4

Three Weeks Later  
1835 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
The hustle and bustle of D.C. could be heard from the open windows, but he was paying no attention to it. His mind was on other things. Particularly one thing: his father. A man he barely knew; a man who risked his life for the freedom of this country. A man that he got to know through tape letters sent home during his tours of duty. A man who could finally rest in peace within his son's heart.  
  
A life-long journey; through the jungles of Laos at sixteen, a book on the Hornet, a photo of his father eighteen years ago, to a small Siberian village; had finally ended. Harm now knew the fate of his father. It had taken him so long to get to that point. One thing was for sure, he was proud of his father. Not just as a man in the military, fighting for what he believed in, but for the way he died. Harm, Sr. died a hero. Protecting a woman from the worst fate---rape.  
  
Deep down in the small crevices of his heart, Harm believed that it would turn out this way. He did get to say goodbye to him, even if there was no grave to mourn over. As he thought about his father, the journey that he and Mac experienced sprang into his mind. An experience that he was unlikely to forget.  
  
He never wanted to put Mac in danger again after the Appalachian Mountains incident. He did just that in Russia. Harm wished that the Admiral ordered her home, but he did have better odds with Mac along. Odds that weren't in their favor when they were shot down. He knew the risks of punching out, but he did not want Mac to experience that. Yet, they did not have a choice at the time.  
  
At least when they landed on solid ground, they ran into gypsies and not Russian soldiers. That was one of his fears, but God answered that prayer for him.  
  
He obviously did not answer the prayer to help him resist Mac in the gypsy outfit. Rusha lent Mac some clothes so that they would blend in more when they arrived at the rail station in Perm. Just thinking about it sent shivers throughout his body. The way the peasant top hugged her curves, the way her nipples puckered against the fabric, her olive skin shoulders in the firelight. The skirt stopping just short of her knees, and wondering what she wore underneath it since he knew that she was without a bra.  
  
Harm groaned in frustration as the image formed in his mind. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't get the sight of her that night, out of his mind.  
  
Not even realizing it, he grabbed his keys and strolled out the door. Instead of standing in middle of his loft, thinking about her, he could be indulging in Sarah MacKenzie. An indulgence he craved since that sight in Russia. Harm swore to himself that he would end the thing between them, but he did not know how. He didn't know how to end something that was out of their control the moment they kissed each other.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
2030 EST  
Mac's Apartment  
Georgetown  
  
The loud rap at her door startled Mac. She tugged her robe tighter around her naked body as she strolled over to the door. After she checked who it was, she opened the door. "Harm, what..." The rest of her words were swallowed by his mouth.  
  
His tongue plunged past her parted lips, engaging in a battle with her own. Their tongues swirled around each other, tasting the other and growing more aroused. The door slamming roared in Mac's ears, but she didn't break the kiss. She needed Harm too much. She would kick herself later for not turning Harm away. Right now, she needed him more than the ground needed the rain.  
Harm turned them around and pressed Mac against the door. His fingers blindly reached for the sash holding her robe together, pulled it, and the fabric parted.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
He held onto her tightly as he backed away from the wall and managed on shaky legs, to walk to her bedroom. As if she was a rare piece of china, he gently deposited her on the bed. In his heart, Harm wanted to stay. To hold her in his arms and believe that something good could come out of the thing that they started. Harm brushed a lock of hair off her forehead, then ran his fingertips down the side of her face and over her full lips. His thumb traced their fullness, remembering the first time he tasted their sweetness. Sweetness that he became addicted to at the first taste. A combination of red wine and peaches.  
  
Harm closed his eyes for a brief second and then opened them. Her eyes met his in the darkened room. Her voice was a soft tone and it washed over him like a spring rain. "Harm, stay."  
  
"Are you sure, Mac?"  
  
"Yes, I'm sure." She scooted underneath the covers, becoming self-conscious just from Harm's gaze on her naked body. "If it would make you feel any better, you can sleep on the couch? I wouldn't want you to feel uneasy about sleeping with me. I mean, we're only sex partners, not in a committed relationship."  
  
"Mac..."  
  
She held up her hand to silence him. "I don't want to hear your bullshit, Harm. God, I see the way you look at me when we're fucking. It's makes me feel so wonderful and wanton. Yet, you can't look at me that way any other time. It's just the lust talking in your eyes when we are together. And of course, you'll never be able to voice your feelings for me because you are so goddamn scared!"  
  
"I am not scared. I've never been scared in my life." He stated in a stern voice as he straightened his boxers and jeans.  
  
"Oh, really?" Mac sat up in the bed and held the sheet to her breasts. "How do you really feel about me, Harm? Do you want something more than fucking between us?"  
  
Harm could tell that the anger was now talking for her. He had never heard Mac curse like this before. Yet, there were things about Mac that he still didn't know. A woman that he had been sleeping with off and on, was still a mystery to him. Sure, he knew little things that she told him, but that was about it. The true Sarah MacKenzie was a closed book to him.  
  
"Well, are you going to answer my questions or just stand there, being the silent son of a bitch that you are?" Mac shot at him.  
  
"Sarah..."  
  
"Don't you dare." She sneered as she threw back the covers and went over to her dresser. She quickly pulled on panties and a sports bra, then donned a pair of running shorts and a shirt. Once she put on her shoes and tied them, she turned to Harm, "Did I satisfy you tonight, Harm? Was it good? I guess that's all I'm good for---a good fuck."  
  
She pushed past him and went into the living room. Harm followed quickly and grabbed her arm before she could retreat from the apartment. "You're going to run away, Mac? Huh? You always like to run away from your problems."  
  
"What do you know about my problems? You make no indication that you would like to know me better. Admit it, Harm, you addicted to what we started between us. You can't get enough of me or the thrill of screwing your partner."  
  
Mac shrugged out of his grasp and left the apartment, slamming the door behind her. Harm laid his forehead against the door and cursed loudly. How could he have been so stupid? He just could not keep his mouth closed and slide into bed with her. No, he had to say something.   
  
He ran a hand through his hair as he picked up his keys from the floor where they dropped when he entered the apartment. He had feeling that Mac would not come back until he left. He left the apartment and walked down to his Corvette. An indulgence turned into the worst mistake that he made in his lifetime. Yet, it also turned out to be his favorite mistake. Ironic.   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
2300 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
The spinning bottle on the floor captured his attention as he rolled the bottle cap over his knuckles. He surely screwed up his friendship with Mac after this night. If he didn't, then he was one damn lucky bastard. His frustration made him a bit edgy and he got up from the floor to pace. Harm passed the bookshelf where the picture of his father was and he stopped short.   
  
His fingers traced the face of Harm, Sr. and he was immediately transferred back to when he was a boy. A boy who thought his father was the greatest. A boy who had to grow up faster than normal with the disappearance of his father. A boy that had trouble loving someone because the one person he loved was taken away from him.  
  
He felt tears on his cheeks and realized that they came from his own eyes. His voice breaking, he whispered to the picture, "Help me, dad. Help me understand why I can't love someone."  
  
"You're the only person who can answer that question."  
  
The other voice caused Harm to turn his head quickly. He saw Mac standing by the open door with tear stains on her cheeks as well. He casually wiped away his own before responding, "How did you get in?"  
  
"It's not like your hiding place for your key is really hard to find." She closed the door and went over to him. Mac reached up a tentative hand and brushed away a stray tear. "I've never seen Harmon Rabb cry before."  
  
"If you came all this way to fight me again, then you can just leave now." He brushed her hand away with a hint of anger before stalking over to the island counter.   
  
Mac cringed at his words. She did not mean to have her words sound condescending. Apparently, they came out that way. She looked down at the floor, ashamed with herself and spotted the three bottles. He drank because of her. The argument with her led him to drown his sorrows in alcohol. Mac swallowed a lump and walked over to where he was standing. She laid a comforting hand on his back, between his shoulder blades.  
  
"Why did you come here, Mac? Did you not think that we fought enough at your apartment?" His voice was a low tone as he turned his head to look at her over his shoulder.  
  
"I came to apologize, Harm. This thing between us is difficult to understand. Yes, we're there for each other when we need a lay, but then the intimacy screws it up. I want you to stay, but that would be intimate and what we have doesn't include that." Mac rested her forehead against his back.  
  
He turned around and enveloped her in his arms. She nestled her head beneath his chin and nuzzled her nose against the collar of his shirt. "Why did I let this go this far? I never wanted to ruin our friendship. I value that so much and I knew that if something like this would happen, that would be the first thing to go. No matter how hard I try, I can't get you out of my mind. And I don't know how to stop this. I just don't know how."  
  
"We just did not know what we jumping into at the time." Her voice was a whisper against his skin.  
  
Harm loosened his hold on Mac and set her back a couple inches. He framed her face with his large hands, brushed his thumbs over her cheeks as he stared into her chocolate orbs. "I think you should go, Mac, before I do something I might regret for the rest of my life."  
  
"All right." Mac backed away from him and headed for the door.  
  
"Mac," Harm called out to her.  
  
She stopped and turned around at the sound of her name, "Yeah?"  
  
"Thank you for being there for me. Not only tonight, but also in Russia. I couldn't have found out the truth about my dad without your help." He flashed her a smile, but it didn't reach his eyes like it normally did.  
  
Instead of just simply replying, she went over to him and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. She ran her fingers through his tousled hair, then trailed them down the side of his face. "That's what friends are for. Get some rest, Harm. I'll see you at JAG tomorrow."  
  
"Yeah, back to work."  
  
Mac flashed him a smile before walking out of the loft. Harm pushed himself away from the island counter and went into the bedroom. He pulled off his shirt, threw it on the bed then crawled into bed, settling his head on one of the pillows. Harm picked up the shirt and her scent drifted into his nostrils, thrusting him back three months prior. The first time he inhaled her intoxicating scent of sun ripened raspberries.   
  
He threw the shirt to the floor, but her scent still surrounded him. It would always surround him because it was forever implanted in his brain. No matter how many times he could tell himself that it was the last time, he would remember that scent and would lose control all over again.   
~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	6. Chapter 5

One Year Later  
1545 EST  
JAG Headquarters  
Falls Church, VA  
  
The Admiral just gave her orders to the USS Patrick Henry. The same aircraft carrier that Harm was assigned to. She thought that three months would be enough time for Harm to get out of her system after their weekend together. Since they started sleeping together, it had always been one night until the urge popped up again. However, Harm managed to persuade her with a weekend before he left her for flying  
  
"Spend the weekend with me."  
  
His words kept replaying in her mind, over and over. Not just the words, but the way he said them. With that oh so sexy tone to his voice. Maybe that was one of the reasons that she let down her guard and said 'yes' to him. The other was probably because she wanted him, oh God she wanted him again. Only a few weeks before Mac wished she had taken Mario up on his offer for dinner...and maybe a little something more...  
  
But all she kept seeing were images of the past. Of Harm, pounding into her from behind, helping her forget the pain as they mourned over Clayton Webb's death. Another amazing night that had ended and left her with nothing. God damn Harmon Rabb. She so much wanted to have a relationship with someone else and rub it into Harm's face, to show him that he wasn't the only one who could be happy. Yet, it was also because of him that she could not stay in any sort of relationship with anyone else.  
  
The thought irritated her to no end. Why did he have to have such hold over her? It wasn't fair, damn it! How could he just go and leave after...after their incredible weekend together? How could he turn it off and on so easily? How could she mean so little to him when he meant everything to her? It just wasn't fucking fair.  
  
Sitting in her chair, Mac turned and watched the rain gently beat against the window pane and let herself remember...  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Spend the weekend with me."  
  
Mac pulled back from his embrace, the tears still streaming down her face. "Harm?"  
  
"I know I don't have the right to ask, Mac...but I need this. We need this. Who knows when..." he let his voice trail off, leaving his statement unfinished.  
  
Mac was torn. What he was asking for would only end up hurting her, them, in the end. But how could she refuse him? The answer was simple. She couldn't. The truth was she didn't want to. She wanted this, wanted him, and she would take whatever he was willing to give her.  
  
"Yes," was all she managed, before turning abruptly and leaving his office.  
  
After leaving JAG that day for the last time, Harm made his way home, the knot growing in his stomach. What the hell was he doing? How could he do this to Mac? It was wrong, to take so selfishly from her what she said she was willing to give. It wasn't fair to her, but God help him, he wanted her. He wanted to make love to her, to lose himself in her body one last glorious time before he left her.  
  
Guilt began creeping its way into his conscious mind, but Harm pushed it aside. There was time for the guilt and heartache later. Tonight, for this weekend, it would only be them.  
  
Later that night, Mac cautiously knocked on his door, uncertain about the fate that lay on the other side. When he finally answered the door, they stood facing each other, each just staring at the other. In the next instant Harm reached out for her, barely getting her inside the door before his mouth crashed down on hers. When her mouth under his, Harm didn't even try to hold back his groan of approval.  
  
Lightning. White heat. Electricity crackled around them, the charged atmosphere adding to the desperation of the moment. Clothes were stripped away and before Harm knew it, they were on their way to the bedroom.  
  
They tumbled into the bed in a heap of tangled arms and legs. Reaching for one another and never getting enough of the feel of their skin underneath each other's fingertips. Faster and faster, they raced towards the edge and then finally...they were there, coming together explosively.  
  
And so it went the rest of the weekend, their need for each other never diminishing. They had, by unspoken agreement, stayed away from any kind of personal conversation, avoiding the words that could make things right between them. Instead, they spoke very little and focused on the physical.  
  
The intensity between them continued to grow each time. Finally, the last time   
they made love, Harm had looked into her eyes with a strange light in his she had never seen before, and uttered words that would haunt her forever.  
  
"You're mine, Mac. You'll always be mine. You'll always belong to me..." And with that, he had emptied himself into her with a final cry of her name.  
  
No more words were uttered the rest of the night. He had held her close to him, never letting her meet his eyes, until she finally fell asleep.  
  
When she woke the next morning, she knew she was alone before she had even opened her eyes. And not just alone in bed, she was completely alone.  
  
His bags were gone, the apartment in order, and there she sat...alone. And the son of a bitch hadn't even said goodbye.  
  
He had left her a short note, a bunch of bull shit about not wanting to make it any more difficult for either one of them by drawing out the inevitable. He promised to keep in touch and that was it. Even now his lack of concern for her feelings sting like a slap in the face.  
  
"Ma'am? Are you all right?"  
  
Mac tore her gaze away from the window, not noticing the tear that made its way down her cheek. "I'm fine, Bud," she said in a small voice.  
  
Bud started to say something, but thought better of it. Instead he said, "I'm ready to ship out whenever you're ready, Colonel."  
  
"I'll be right out, Bud," she assured him.  
  
"Aye, Ma'am," he answered before leaving her doorway.  
  
Mentally shaking herself, Mac took a deep breath and stood. She could do this. She didn't need the letters from him that never came. She didn't need the phone calls from him that were never made. She'd show him she had moved on without him.  
  
She'd show him that her life consisted of more than her love for Harmon Rabb. Now she just had to convince herself.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Two Months Later  
0500 EST  
JAG Headquarters  
Falls Church, VA  
  
She did show Harm that her life consisted more than her love for him. She not only convinced Harm, but herself as well. She conducted her investigation, as she should, even with Harm defending the accused. Even with his designator changed, he could not keep his nose out of an investigation. Not to mention that Buxton told him things and then made Harm his defense counsel, so they couldn't be used against him. Once the investigation was wrapped up, Mac stopped by Harm's quarters to say goodbye. That was the biggest mistake of her life.  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Mac? What do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" Harm stood in the doorway of his stateroom.  
  
She gulped at the sight he made. T-shirt and shorts. He must've just returned from working out. There were little beads of sweat on his forehead and small patches on his t-shirt. He had to be the sexiest male specimen God ever created.  
  
"Mac, are you going to answer me?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry." She mentally kicked herself for letting Harm see her ogling   
over him. "I just wanted to say goodbye to you before I leave tomorrow on the COD."  
  
Harm nodded at her statement. Since she arrived on the carrier, she had given him the cold shoulder. Not that he deserved it. The way he left Mac after their spectacular weekend was not one of his best exits.  
  
'All the world's a stage and we are merely players. We have our exits and our entrances.'  
  
He stole another glance at Mac and noticed the nervousness about her. She obviously did not feel comfortable being seen standing outside his quarters. He stepped to the side and gestured for her to enter the room. They had a few minutes to catch up before his roommate, Tuna, came back from the gym.  
  
Mac quickly strolled into the stateroom and stood in the center of the room, waiting for Harm's next reaction. "Where's your roommate?" She decided to make conversation. Maybe it would help break the ice between them.  
  
"He's in the gym right now. He'll be returning in about ten minutes," Harm said while closing the door. "Why? Don't you want to be seen in here with me?"  
  
"I just don't want your roommate to get any ideas."  
  
Harm came over to stand in front of her and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "Tuna isn't like that. He keeps to himself and if I tell him to keep something quiet, he will."  
  
She barely registered what he was saying. She was still reeling from the simple touch of him tucking her hair behind her ear. Little glimpses of affection were only what Harm let Mac see. Oh, how she wished for more of those glimpses.   
Mac shook those thoughts from her brain. She wasn't going to let herself get caught up in Harm again. She learned her lesson. It was time to move on. She took a glance at his desk and noticed law books with numerous manila folders piled on it. "You doing research for some airstrike you have to perform?" A small smile graced her face.  
  
Once Harm saw her smile, he knew that she was teasing him. "No. The Skipper let it slip that I was a lawyer and everyone on the ship is asking for help. It's crazy in here. A couple days ago, I practically chased Tuna out of his bed because the folders were building up so much."  
  
"So, you're the Top Gun Lawyer." She chuckled softly, "Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"  
  
"You're funny, Mac. Really funny."  
  
Another teasing smile appeared on her lips, "I know." Mac ran a fingertip over a few folders, then went over to Harm. She had to get out there before she did something she might regret. "I better go. I still have to pack before departure."  
  
He grabbed her hand, brought it to his lips and placed a tender kiss in the palm. "I miss you, Mac."  
  
"Which part of me, Harm? The friendship part or the lover part?" She pulled her hand from his grasp and put herself a safe distance from him. "It's hard to have both parts co-exist."  
  
When Harm remained silent, Mac got her answer. She made her way to the door, opened it to find Harm's roommate on the other side. Mac decided to let Harm feel just a little of the humility that she always felt; she turned back to face him. "I will email you when I return to JAG, even though you won't reply to any of them that I'll send. I'll see you when you decide that you're through chasing a dream."  
  
She turned back to Tuna, and he graciously stepped aside to let her exit. Mac exited the stateroom and strolled down the corridor to her quarters.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A short tap on her office doorway brought her out of her thoughts. Mac looked up from her desk to find Harm standing in the doorway, with a smug smile on his face. "Good morning, Commander. What's with the smile?" Mac stood up from her chair and strolled over to him.  
  
"Morning, Colonel. You look ravishing at five o'clock in the morning."  
  
Mac blocked out the thoughts that ran through her mind at the sound of his voice. It had a tendency to send shivers down her spine and wetness pooling between her legs. An action that she didn't need this early in the morning. "You know you're speaking to a superior officer."  
  
Harm chuckled softly. Even in her Marine voice, Mac could not scare him like she did everyone else. "I like to live dangerously."  
  
"I've noticed upon witnessing your most recent lifestyle." She exited the office with Harm in tow as they made their way to the Admiral's office.  
  
The Admiral had phoned both of them about an hour ago, and asked them to report to Headquarters. Neither one of them knew what they were needed for. All they were told were to report in civilian attire to Headquarters by 0500 hours.  
  
Harm knocked on the office door and entered at the sound of AJ's gruff voice. Harm got a confused look on his face when he noticed the SECNAV standing beside the Admiral. He sat down beside Mac, trying very hard to keep his mouth shut, instead of making an ass out of himself.  
  
"I'm glad that you two could come on such short notice. You both are being sent to Panama for an investigation." AJ looked up from the desk.  
  
"What kind of an investigation, sir?" Harm was the first to ask, his curiosity getting the best of him.  
  
AJ handed both of them manila folders while he spoke, "A Marine Colonel, head of the anti-drug program in Panama City, might be involved in a drug smuggling. A few days ago in Los Angles, there was a drug bust and they found a package that came from the American Embassy in Panama. It was addressed from Olivia Banning, the Colonel's wife. We don't know if his wife is involved, or even if he's involved."  
  
The SECNAV took that moment to speak, "I want you two to find out what's going on down there. I want this thing cleared up before it hits the fan."  
  
"Yes, sir." Both answered simultaneously.  
  
"Colonel, I'm putting you in charge of the investigation."  
  
Mac answered softly, "Yes, sir."  
  
AJ looked at Harm, "Is that okay with you, Commander?"  
  
"Yes, sir. Why wouldn't be?" Although he sounded all right with it, Mac knew deep inside that, he hated the thought of being second chair. He had always been head of the investigations, but now she was the senior officer.  
  
"You two are dismissed. Tiner has your traveling itinerary."  
The two officers exited the office and met up with Tiner. In a matter of minutes, they were exiting JAG Headquarters on their way to Dulles.  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
2000 Local Time  
Outside Local Bar  
  
Once they landed in Panama City, they met up with the NCIS agent that would be helping during the investigation. He briefed them on Olivia Banning and how she wasn't like normal Marine wives. She just didn't fit the criteria that would be a military wife. He not only informed on Mrs. Banning, but on the places where she hung out. He mentioned a little 'hole in the wall' bar that she frequented from some reason. After they were given their cover story and identities, they headed for the bar, on the lookout for Olivia Banning.  
  
Mac sat in the driver's seat, carefully staking out the bar. Harm sat in the passenger seat, acting like a five-year-old, not being able to sit still. He was slowly driving Mac to the brink of insanity. Before she could yell at him, Olivia Banning walked in front of the car and into the bar.  
  
"All right, let's go in and get her." Mac stated while opening her door.  
  
Harm's hand on her arm stopped her in mid-motion. "Why don't I go in alone?" When Mac flashed him one of her Marine looks, he quickly added, "If I go in alone, I'm just another lonely gringo, looking for some companionship."  
  
"You got a point there. I'll just wait out here." She closed the door and watched Harm exit the car, pull on his blazer and head for the bar entrance. "Like always." Mac murmured to herself once Harm was out of her sight.  
  
It seemed forever for Harm to exit the bar with Olivia Banning. A soft chuckle came from Mac when she saw him get into the SUV with their suspect. Upon putting the car into drive, she pulled out behind them, following the SUV at a safe distance.   
  
Mac stopped the car a few yards behind the SUV when it pulled up in front of a hotel. As she waited for Harm to emerge, an attention-grabber happened right before her eyes. She could not believe it. Although, Harm always did have a weakness for the drop-dead gorgeous type and Olivia Banning certainly fit into that category. Mac chuckled softly with her mouth agape at the sight before her. Then Harm emerged from the vehicle and waited for Olivia to drive off before strolling to the car, with Mac waiting for him in it.  
  
Once he got in and closed the door, Mac could not help but tease him. "I just love your investigation skills, Sherlock. What were you going to do next? Strip-search her?"  
  
"Would you like to know what I found out or do you want to bust my chops?"  
  
A teasing smile was flashed his way, "Both." Mac again put the car into drive and headed in the direction of their hotel.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
2200 Local Time  
Harm's Hotel Room  
  
"Mac, can we just quit for the night? I'm beat," Harm sighed as he flopped back onto the bed.  
  
"Kissing Olivia Banning took a lot out of you, huh?"  
Harm raised his head to look at her. There was a teasing glint in her eyes. "What, are you jealous, Marine?"  
  
"No, I'm not jealous of you kissing another woman. I've gotten used to that." Mac retorted. She gathered up the notes that each of them made and put in the case file. She turned to Harm, who was still lying on the bed. "Look, why don't we take twenty minutes? I'm in dire need of a shower and it might help clear both of our heads before we kill each other."  
  
"Sounds good to me." A mumble came from Harm.  
  
"Meet me in my room in twenty-five minutes. That'll give me enough time to shower and dress. Don't be late, Flyboy." With that last statement, she went through the adjoining door, closing it behind her.  
  
Once Mac exited his room, he flopped back on the bed, letting a heavy sigh out of his mouth. Harm enjoyed the teasing banter that went on during the drive to the hotel. It was as if they were back to their old friendship of years ago. Yet, it didn't feel right to him. Sure, they were acting easy around each other, but it felt as if it was forced somehow. Like if one of them said the wrong thing, the other would explode. Was this feeling due to Harm's return from flying? Was this how their friendship would be from on? Had Harm been away from Mac for too long?  
  
Harm sat up on the bed and checked his watch. He did not want to be late. He wanted to prove to Mac that for once in his life, he could be on time for something. He got up on his feet, went over to the vanity and splashed some cold water on his face.   
  
It felt weird not being in charge in of an investigation. He had always been in charge throughout his and Mac's relationship. Now, however, she was the superior officer. It would definitely be a problem getting used to. He was glad that Mac was promoted and all. She certainly deserved it, after everything she went through during her career. Harm had always thought he would be promoted first and still the superior officer. Harm had no trouble denying that he's definitely an Alpha Male.  
  
He wiped his face, then changed shirts and slipped on a pair of warm-up pants. He had a feeling that they would working on the case for a long period of time. With one check of his watch, he slipped through the adjoining door and into Mac's room.  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harm took in the surroundings of her room. It was certainly more immaculate than his own was. Mac didn't let herself be messy, unless it was with her desk. Her desk was considered a war zone some days. He decided to sit on the bed and wait for Mac to finish her shower. Apparently, time got away from her.  
  
No more than two minutes later, Mac emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her slender form. Well, a towel that barely concealed what was underneath. Harm felt his mouth go dry at the sight before him. Sure, he knew what she looked like nude. He knew all her curves and could trace them in his mind. However, imagination and reality were two different things.  
  
Mac wasn't paying attention to her surroundings, but when she heard a sexual groan in the room, she stopped in her tracks. Her dark eyes locked with his captivating aqua ones. She instinctually reached up to cover herself, but found that the towel wouldn't stretched those last couple inches.  
  
Somehow, she managed to find her voice during this awkward situation. "Harm, can you hand me the clothes that are on the bed?"  
  
Harm tore his gaze away from her beautiful body to look for her clothes. He located them just behind him and glanced at them quickly. One glance was one too many. A pair of sexy panties that he knew would look incredible on her; a tank-top that would certainly show off her ample breasts and cleavage; a pair of shorts that probably would accent her long, slender legs. How would he survive the night once she emerged looking like the image he just envisioned?  
  
He quickly brushed the images aside, stood up and took her clothes over to her. "Here you go, Mac. Before you say anything, I was on time for once."  
  
"Amazing. The one time I lose track of time, you're not late," she mumbled as she grabbed the clothes from Harm's hands. She then retreated back into the bathroom.  
  
Mac emerged a minute later, fully dressed and ready to work on the case. She wanted to push the brief encounter that just happened, to the back of her mind. In a matter of minutes, she had the notes and case spread out on the bed. She was not going to let think about the encounter either.   
  
They did not need another night of passion between them. Not that she didn't want it. She craved for another night with Harm, although he hurt her deeply the last time. It did not matter how many times he hurt her, she still wanted him and that made her sick inside. Mac wasn't that kind of person. She didn't want to be that kind of woman---a kind of woman who hung onto a man, no matter how many times her hurt her emotionally, even though there were better prospects out there. Mac mentally pushed the thoughts aside and concentrated on the investigation.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
2345 Local Time  
  
"Well, Mac, we've done that we can do until tomorrow." Harm pushed himself to a standing position beside the bed. He stretched his arms above his head, removing the kinks in his shoulders and back.  
  
"You're right. Might as well get some decent sleep while we can," she stated while gathering up everything and putting back in the folder.  
  
Mac then got up from the bed, placed the folder on the table by the window, then went over to Harm. She escorted him to the adjoining door and made the mistake of kissing him goodnight on the cheek. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back or in other words, broke Harm's control.  
  
He crushed his mouth to hers, plunging his tongue past her lips as he grasped her upper arms in a bruising grip. Harm steered their bodies to the bed and with a moan of protest from Mac, separated their mouths to push her back on the bed. He was like a madman, practically ripping Mac's clothes from her body.  
  
The lovemaking between the two of them was fast and needy mixed with passion. With both of them panting, Harm rolled onto his side, taking Mac with him. She curled against his side and soon both were sleeping peacefully.  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
0630 Local Time  
Mac's Hotel Room  
  
Unconsciously, Mac reached out a hand, searching for the body next to hers. Yet, all she found was an empty bed. Somehow, she wasn't surprised to find his side empty. A small part of her was used to the loneliness that came with the morning after. In all the times that they've slept together, Harm has never been there when she woke. She has always woken up alone. Just one time, she would like to wake up with Harm beside her. One time she would like to engage in some morning sex before the loneliness set in. Just once.  
  
Obviously, that was too much to ask for in their relationship. Mac sighed as she threw back the sheet and strolled to the bathroom for a shower.  
  
Forty-five minutes later, Mac met Harm in the lobby of the hotel. They headed outside to the rental car. She got behind the wheel, started up the car and was about to put it into drive, when Harm's hand stopped her.  
  
"Mac, I'm sorry about this morning."  
  
"It's all right, Harm. I've gotten used to it." Mac shrugged off his apology.  
He noticed the uneasiness about her and knew it was from their night together. Was this how the rest of investigation would go as well as their friendship? "Mac..."  
  
Mac held up a hand, "Harm, it's all right. Really. We just move on with the rest of the investigation and forget that it ever happened."  
  
"Is that what you really want to do? Just forget that it ever happened?"  
  
"What more can we do, Harm? It's obviously making conversation between us difficult right now. We've forgotten about all the other nights. Why can't we forget about this one? It was just like the others." Mac put the car into drive and pulled out of the parking lot.   
  
She noticed Harm getting ready to say something else, but she quickly stopped him, "Harm, let it go. The night is over. We both got what we wanted. Now, let's finish this investigation and then we can go home." Mac gave him one of her Marine glares and Harm dropped the subject completely. Forgetting about it was probably the safest bet for both of them, even though it would come back to bite them in the ass.  
~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	7. Chapter 6

Three Months Later  
0900 EST  
JAG Headquarters  
Falls Church, VA  
  
Mac hated winter. She hated winter with a passion. Especially this year. She couldn't get a more reliable car last year. No, she had to get that damn flashy Corvette. One flashy corvette that she looked hot in during the summer, but when it came to winter, she hated her car. It not only was stuck numerous times this morning and on top of that, she had the nastiest cold ever in her life.  
  
She strolled through the doors of JAG Ops, but stopped short when a sneeze overtook her body. With a groan, she withdrew the tissues from her coat pocket and wiped her nose on the way to her office. Upon depositing her things on her desk, another sneeze racked her body. If this were how she would spend the entire winter, she would definitely plead to the Admiral to send her somewhere warm for the next couple of months.  
  
"Knock, knock." Harm strolled into her office and chuckled at the sight of Mac angrily wiping her nose.  
  
Mac glared at him, "This is not funny, Harm. I've never been this sick before. I'm miserable."  
  
"It's the 'Vette. Every winter I had bad colds from driving the car, but now I just cruise along, nice and warm." Harm flashed her a smile while crossing his arms over his chest. "Any way, I came to get you. The Admiral wants to see us both in his office."  
  
"Okay," she mumbled behind another tissue. When she was squared away, and armed with a box of tissues, they exited her office and headed towards the Admiral's.  
  
At the gruff 'Enter' from their CO, the two officers entered the office. Instead of sitting behind his desk like he normally did, AJ was seated in one of chair by the fireplace, with Bud as well. He motioned for both Harm and Mac to pull up a chair and join him.  
  
When they were situated, he began talking, "I got a call earlier this morning from Commander Brumby. He needs help with an investigation and asked for our help. Therefore, I'm sending two people to Australia."  
  
Without even realizing it, Mac started rambling, "This is probably just a ploy to get me to come to Australia. He's been trying since he returned. Emailing me everyday with the air and water temperatures, offering to buy business tickets on Quantis Airlines. Not to mention sending me postcards of the beaches. How pathetic is that?"  
  
"That's right, they go topless there." At the Admiral's statement, all three men had dreamy looks in their eyes, envisioning topless women. AJ quickly came back to reality, clearing his throat, causing the other two to sit straighter in their chairs. "Colonel, Brumby did not ask for you. He asked for Harm and Bud."  
  
"Oh, okay," she murmured, quite embarrassed with herself for her outburst. "Admiral, forget what I said earlier, please."  
  
"Already forgotten, Colonel." He handed two folders to both Harm and Bud. "You three are dismissed."  
  
The three officers quickly left the office. Strolling through the bullpen, Harm and Bud started chuckling at Mac for what she said earlier. At the doorway of her doorway, she faced them with a Marine glare on her face and pointed her tissue box at both of them.   
  
"You've had your laugh, both of you. Anything else out your mouths, I won't be held accountable for my actions." She turned on her heel and retreated into her office, closing the door behind her.  
  
When the coast was clear, Bud turned to Harm, "Why didn't Commander Brumby ask for the Colonel, Sir?"  
  
"Because he's one smart dingo."  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Mac flopped down in her desk chair, faced the window to watch the snow fall outside. It wasn't fair that Harm and Bud got to go to Australia. What did Mic want with Harm? He didn't like him at all when he was assigned to JAG Headquarters. Why would he suddenly like him now that he was back in Australia?  
All Mac knew was that she was stuck in Virginia, freezing her ass off, while Harm got to thaw out in Australia. Lucky bastard.  
  
He had been lucky the past three months. After they returned from Panama, he was accused of writing an editorial degrading the President, which put his promotion up in the air. Harm not only found the culprit, but got the promotion of Commander as well. His lucky streak continued when he was trapped in the brig on a ship where they were conducting an investigation. The warrant officer lied about Harm and the accused being alive. She wouldn't believe it. Like the Admiral said, Harm would not leave the earth that easily.  
  
Mac had been so elated that Harm was all right, that she visited him in his quarters later that evening. She did not let the fear of almost losing him show. She didn't want Harm to know how much she cared for him. How much she loved him. All she let him see was the joy of him being all right. That night, during three hours, the two of them lived dangerously. Never before had they come together on a carrier or cruiser. It was always too much of a risk. Yet, that evening, Mac did not care about the risk or her career. All she wanted was Harm. All she wanted was to feel his skin underneath her fingertips. All she wanted was to see Harm succumb to her caresses. And that night, she got what she wanted. Both of them got what they wanted.  
  
And a few weeks later, Harm got what he wanted the most. Mic Brumby out of his life and Mac's. She knew that he never liked Mic. Harm never told her his reason, but she was sure it was because he was considered competition. Competition for Harmon Rabb. Apparently, Harm did not like competition, although he and Mac weren't really in a relationship. Harm had a tendency to dislike every man that Mac showed interest in. He thought that no man was good enough for her, yet he never made it known that he wanted her in that sense. Harm was a difficult person to understand sometimes.  
  
A light knock on her office door brought Mac to reality. She shouted 'enter' and the person entered her office.  
  
"Ma'am, the Commander asked me to give this to you. I think he was too afraid to do it himself." Harriet handed her a folded note and waited for the dismissal.  
  
Mac graciously took the note, "Thank you, Harriet. You can get back to work now."  
  
Once Harriet exited the office, Mac unfolded the piece of paper. A smile graced her face and she couldn't help but laugh at Harm's little note.  
  
'Mac-Try not to freeze your butt off while I'm away. I'll be nice and warm in the Land Down Under. Harm.'  
  
When Harm returned from Australia, she would definitely get back at him for what he wrote. She put the note aside and decided to get to work. Might as well get something done, since she had nothing else to do.  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Two Days Later  
1435 Local Time  
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia  
Manly Beach  
S  
he certainly wasn't freezing her ass off now. Nope. Her ass was actually quite warm as the rest of her. Sarah MacKenzie was feeling great. Even if her companion wasn't the man she really wanted beside her. No, Harm was off somewhere investigating the case while she was enjoying herself on the beach. With Mic by her side. Trying every minute to see if her resolve would crumble. As if she would go topless in front of him of all people. He had tried to get her to wear an 'Aussie bikini', but she declined and opted to tie her straps around her back, so she wouldn't get tan lines. He didn't seem too happy about that, but helped her do it and now, he kept ogling her, hoping she would change her mind.  
  
Two days ago, she would never have dreamed that she would be lying on a beach in Sydney. But when the Admiral gave her a chance to escort a body to Australia, she jumped at it. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to get away from D.C. in the winter? Mic met her at the airport and convinced her to join him at the beach. Since Harm wasn't around, she obliged Mic and the rest was history.  
  
"You know, Mac, you're going get tan lines around your...your..." Mic stammered as he pointed to her swimsuit covered breasts.  
  
Mac laughed, "My breasts? Yes, I will, but I don't mind that. Now, I'm going to get back to reading this article." She focused her attention back to the magazine and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mic look once again at her breasts. "And stop staring at my breasts, Mic. Staring at them is not going to make the top disappear."  
  
He groaned in disgust and dug his toes in the sand.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
arm and Bud watched their suspect's wife run down the boardwalk away from them. They weren't getting anywhere with their investigation. The Petty Officer, Kevin Lee, surely was not telling them anything. The only thing they knew was that he wasn't Ian Dunsworth, but the deceased.  
  
A ringing sound broke Harm from his thoughts. He answered his cell-phone, "Rabb."  
  
"Hey, Commander, it's Gunny. How's it going down there?"  
  
Harm chuckled lowly, "Well, it's going, Gunny. That's about it." His eyes swept over the beach in front of him and could not believe how many women were topless. It was a feast for the male species.  
  
"Is Lt. Roberts with you now, Sir?"  
  
"Yeah, you want to talk to him?" Harm asked and then handed the cell-phone to Bud before listening to Gunny's response. "It's Gunny. He wants to talk to you."  
  
Bud grabbed the phone and spoke excitedly, "Gunny, you wouldn't believe all the naked breasts here!"  
  
"Naked breasts! Bud, what are you talking about!" Harriet's voice screamed on the other end.  
  
"Harriet! Honey, I can explain!" Bud tried his best to apologize, but he was apparently talking to nothing. Harriet already hung up on him. He turned to Harm with a long face, "You didn't tell me it was Harriet on the other end, Sir."  
  
"I didn't know Harriet was on the other end and I definitely didn't know that you were going to talk about naked breasts."  
  
Bud handed back Harm's cell-phone and knew once he returned to D.C., he would have to grovel so much to make Harriet forgive him. How could he have been so stupid? He looked at the beach, and could not believe the sight he saw. He stood up and tapped Harm on his shoulder.  
  
"Bud, what now?" Harm said with agitation in his voice.  
  
"Sir, is that Colonel MacKenzie topless?" Bud pointed out on the beach.  
  
Harm didn't say a word. He only followed Bud's finger and it pointed at Sarah MacKenzie. A Sarah MacKenzie that appeared to not have to bikini top on. A Lt. Colonel in the USMC was topless on a beach in Australia. He could just see the headlines now in the Navy Times: Lt. Colonel bares all in the Land of Oz.  
  
How could she do such a thing? She was a decorated officer in the USMC. Surely, she would have more intelligence than she had at the moment. With a stern look on his face, he started in the direction of Mac, with Bud a few paces behind.  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mac noticed a shadow hanging over her and she tilted the magazine against her chest to look. The shadow was in the form of a certain Navy Commander. And the Navy Commander did not look happy at her current state. She tried not to smirk at his expression. Harm really thought that she was topless in front of Mic. Harm always did have tendency to lead with his heart more than he did with his head.  
  
Before Mac could utter a word, Mic opened his mouth, flaming the fire of Harm's jealousy even more. "Hey, mate, I thought you were investigating today."  
"  
I was. I was talking to his wife just now, but I think she's protecting someone because she refused to talk about that night."  
  
"Well, that's too bad for you. Besides, she's not his wife. He was already married, to a woman in Kentucky. His marriage to this one is invalid." A smug smile came over Mic's face. He enjoyed having the upper hand in this case against Harm.  
  
Harm forced a grin even though he wanted to punch the smug grin off Brumby's face.  
  
Mac noticed the agitation creeping into Harm's face and quickly butted in, "Boys, save it for the courtroom. I'm trying to defrost here."  
  
"Make sure that you don't burn." The bitterness was evident in his voice.  
  
"Don't worry, mate, I rubbed sun-block in all the right places." Another smug grin and Harm fought another urge to punch him.  
  
She shot Mic a Marine glare before speaking once again to Harm, "We'll meet for dinner?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll call you."  
  
Mic stammered, "But Mac, I thought you were having dinner with me."  
  
"Sorry, Mic, not tonight. Tonight, I'm having dinner with Harm. Besides, you assumed we were. Never assume anything." With that said, she grinned at Harm and decided to return to her magazine. Before she could even do that, Harm tried to peek between the magazine, but she looked at him with raised eyebrow and he immediately returned to his original position.  
  
"I'll see you tonight, Mac."   
  
Harm nodded to Bud and they started back to the boardwalk. Mac watched his retreating back and wondered how things had gotten so bad between them. She wanted Harm beside her right now. It was Harm that she wanted to spend a day with on the beach. Why couldn't he see what was in front of him? Why couldn't he see how much she not only wanted him, but loved him? Mac would never get the love that she wanted, so she might as well settle with the love that she could get. And the person beside her wanted her, showed interest in her from the first moment they met. Mac had become accustomed with settling for things when she didn't get what she wanted.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
2300 Local Time  
Harm's Hotel Room  
  
Dinner was long over and forgotten. The conversation from the ferry ride still imbedded in his brain, but he had other matters to attend to. Like pleasuring a certain Marine, who was sprawled out on his hotel bed in a seductive manner.  
  
Harm knew that he had hurt Mac earlier with his responses to her questions. He was afraid to admit his feelings for her. He had no idea why. She surely wasn't shy about saying that she wanted him, wanted a real relationship with each other. He had no reason to be afraid anymore. Yet, he was. Harmon Rabb could not tell the one woman he wants in his life that he loves her. A top-notch lawyer in the courtroom, but has problems expressing his feelings. Imagine that? He was always better with actions.  
  
Actions usually speak louder than words. Moreover, his actions always did. Mac had no problem expressing her pleasure the moment they stepped a foot into his hotel room. Harm wasted no time peeling the lime-green sweater from her body, finding that his assumption that she wasn't wearing a bra, to be true. He had dragged her to the bathroom, ravishing her on the vanity before they had even gotten in the shower. For a brief moment in time, Harm got to live out one of his fantasies---lathering up and rinsing Sarah MacKenzie, then making sweet love to her up against the shower wall.  
  
Now, he was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, admiring the view Mac made. She was meant to lie in any bed that he adorned. Her skin was a rosy hue, not only from the hot shower, but from Harm's lovemaking as well; her kiss-swollen lips beckoned for more attention; her eyes glittered with a desire that only came out for him.  
  
"Harm, are you going to make me wait any longer?" A sultry tone entered her voice as she raised herself up on her elbows.  
  
"No," he whispered as he started toward her. "Not that I could try, any way."  
Mac wagged her finger at him, "Lose the towel, Flyboy, before you get on this bed."  
  
Harm waited until he was right beside the bed, then dropped the towel to the floor. Mac eyed him appreciatively before he joined her in the bed. Harm covered her body with his much larger frame. Both of them knew that this coupling wouldn't last long.   
  
A few seconds later, Harm screamed her name in ecstasy with Mac close behind. He slumped down into her waiting arms, and she caressed his back in sure strokes as they both got their breathing under control.  
  
Mac knew what he was trying to do. He was trying to make-up for his part of their conversation on the ferry. A small part of her did not blame him. Maybe she was too late in confessing her feelings. Maybe she should've done it earlier---cornered him and demanded to know his true feelings for her. Now, after tonight, she would never know. Harm would always be closed off to that subject, if it would be brought up again in the future.  
  
Harm rolling to his side and pulling her with him, brought her out of those thoughts. She nestled against his side, forcing herself to get some sleep, knowing that later, they would be reaching for one another once more.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The Next Night  
2200 EST  
Mac's Hotel Room  
  
By, god, what had she done? What did she get herself into? One man breaks her heart and in return, pushes her into another man's arms. Mic showed her the love that she so much craved. Sarah MacKenzie was need of so much love that she settled for second best. She was still dazed from the evening that she did not even know why she accepted the ring. The only date with Mic and he proposes to her. What was her reaction supposed to be instead of being surprised? It was bad enough that Mic slid the ring onto her right hand without giving her the chance to say something.   
  
However, what she was supposed to do? Wait for Harm to figure out his feelings for her? She had been waiting for almost three years for that moment to arrive. She thought that moment had arrived the other night, but Harm proved her wrong. Mac wanted so much for him to show her the love that she knew was in his heart. He was too afraid to love someone. She had no idea why, though.   
  
Mac shook her head, shaking away the thoughts. She didn't want to think about anything for the rest of the night. All she really wanted to do was get a good night's sleep and meet everyone at the airport tomorrow morning. Though, she hoped to God, that Harm wouldn't notice the ring on her finger. Or she would have to explain a lot once they returned to D.C.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
0900 EST  
Sydney International Airport  
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia  
  
Mac strolled up to the terminal, with her carry-on bag in hand and Mic by her side. He was being quite the gentleman today, picking her up at the hotel and driving her to the airport. She wanted to laugh on the way there, because every chance Mic got, he glanced at her hands in her lap, hoping she switched the ring over already. She only got the ring the night before. She never made decisions that fast in her life.  
  
"Good morning, Colonel. Brumby." AJ acknowledged both of them as they reached him, Bud and Harm.  
  
Mac gave her CO a charming smile, "Morning, Sir." She glanced over at Harm and he flashed her a small smile, but said nothing.  
  
"Brumby, I'm glad that you gave us the heads-up on Lee last night. We have guards standing by to arrest him the moment he arrives."   
  
Mic stated, "It was no problem, Sir. Just doing my job."  
  
The four officers stood talking for a few moments longer until Kevin Lee arrived. He noticed something was wrong when two armed guards stepped up to him and contained him. Bud read him his rights, with everyone trying not the laugh because of his broken jaw, then the guards escorted him onto the plane.  
  
"Well, people, it's time for us to go back to the states." He looked at Mac and noticed something shining on her right hand. "Are congratulations in order, Colonel," AJ pointed to her right hand.  
  
Mac blushed a bit because someone noticed the ring. She shyly tucked her hair behind her ear before responding, "It's on the right hand, Sir."  
  
Harm could not stop his heart from beating wildly and questions running through his head. Mac accepted a ring from Brumby? Why would she even consider doing such a thing? But the one lone thought that slipped through his head made his heart break. Mac was slipping away from him.  
  
He swallowed the lump in his throat, "Friendship ring?"  
  
"For now." Mic looked at Mac longingly.  
  
"Come on, Commander. Colonel, see you on the plane." AJ and Harm turned away from two other officers. They headed in the direction of the plane. He noticed Harm getting ready to look back. "Never look back, Commander."  
  
"No, Sir." Harm stated. However, he could not stop himself from looking back. And the sight before his eyes made his heart break in his chest. He screwed himself the other night when Mac showed him her heart. He was losing Mac to the one man that he hated. She was slowly slipping away from him and he was too afraid to do anything about it.  
~*~*~*~*~* 


	8. Chapter 7

Seven Months Later  
0800 EST  
JAG Headquarters  
Falls Church, VA  
  
Everything in Sarah MacKenzie's life went to hell the moment she accepted Mic's ring. Harm distanced himself from her and started a relationship with the director, or the 'Video Princess' as Mac called her. He rarely came to her for comfort since he had someone available for that type of situation. A small part of her ached inside that he distanced himself that much from her.  
  
Not only did her relationship change with Harm, but her career was also put in jeopardy. While prosecuting a case against Lt. Singer and Bud, she found a mishap report in her car, turned to Appendix B; which was inadmissible in court and off limits to the prosecution. Mac decided to go along with her hunch, which was looking for people who saw the Jump Master in the bar the night before. It was her hunch that almost cost Mac her career. Singer accused Mac of admitting evidence from Appendix B of the mishap report, which was clearly forbidden. After surviving the Admiral, she took two weeks leave and visited Mic in Australia.  
  
Her stay in Sydney was a blessing as well as a curse. She and Mic consummated their relationship. She had a feeling of awe after they made love, for no other man ever loved her like that. Mic was not afraid to show his love for her and he didn't hide it while making love. Yet, along with awe, she felt guilt. Guilty because her mind was also on another man. Another man who loved her with all his heart in bed. Another man who held her heart, making it impossible for her to completely commit to Mic. Mac only cursed Harm when Mic wasn't in earshot during her two week stay.   
  
She hated him for being the stubborn man he was. Hated him for not confessing his true feelings after she bore another man's ring. Most of all, though, Mac hated him for not doing anything before Mic arrived in D.C. Before the whole JAG crew was about to enter the Surface Warfare Ball, Mic showed up and confessed that he resigned his commission to be with her. Part of Mac was elated that Mic would give up everything just for her. No man before him ever did such a thing. Harm certainly didn't give up flying to be with her. The other part, however, was discouraged, because it made her relationship with Mic a reality. It was different when he was on the other side of the world. Now he was in D.C., in her life. Upon seeing Harm's expression before they walked into the ballroom, Mac knew that Harm had practically given up on ever being with her. He was going to step aside and let Mic win her love.  
  
And for that, Mac hated Harm with a passion.  
  
It didn't help that both of them were flaunting their relationships in each other's faces. Mac made sure she always flashed the ring Harm's way whenever she could while Harm would let her know that Renee was satisfying him in the bedroom. They would try to stay one step ahead of the other, no matter how much they hurt each other in the process.  
  
Mac sighed deeply as she gazed out her office window. Autumn was setting in, the leaves taking their beautiful reds, yellows, and oranges. Harm was leaving for Moscow today to help the Russian Military with their Code of Military Justice. She was stuck at JAG prosecuting a Navy Commander for espionage, which she would make sure, did hard labor at Leavenworth for the rest of his life for what he did against his country.  
  
A husky voice in her ear sent shiver down her spine, "Mac, you want to help me with my Russian?"  
  
"No, Harm," she stated, not even turning around to face him. "You know what would happen any way. We would just fall into bed, like old times, and I cannot bear being dismissed for another woman by you again once it was over."  
  
"Mac...I...I would...rather have you," he stuttered.  
  
She turned around in her chair and looked into his eyes, "Then say it, Harm. Say it, for pete's sake. We can end both of our relationships and start one of our own. We can stop this charade that we've conjured up over the past few months."  
  
Harm stood up to his full height and stepped away from her desk. Mac knew he was retreating from her once more. That was the only real thing he was good at; retreating from personal conversations. "You know it's not that simple."  
  
"What's not simple about it?"  
  
"Mac...please, don't make me do this."  
  
She stood up from her chair and strolled over to the door. Before she opened it, she glanced at him, "I would never make you do anything you didn't want to do, Commander. If you don't mind, I have to get ready for a meeting with my co-counsel to compare notes and make sure we have everything in the correct order. I don't want to mess up on this case. Have a good trip to Moscow."  
  
Harm didn't even try to reason with her. He simply walked out of her office and straight into his. It was no use butting heads with Mac because it never changed anything between them.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Two Days Later  
1600 EST  
JAG Headquarters  
Falls Church, VA  
  
Mac walked away from the Navy issued blue sedan with Bud in step beside her. She heard enough from Commander Carlton, ensuing that he was innocent. He was seen dropping off documents as well as other sensitive material, for the other side, but he was innocent. Mac chuckled low at that thought. Carlton's lawyer yelling for her destroyed the light moment. Mac slowed her pace, letting the lawyer catch up to both her and Bud.  
  
"Colonel, will you just listen to him, please? At least keep an open mind."  
  
"When he's ready to plead to the charges, I'll listen to his confession. Other than that, I have no need for him."  
  
"That leaves no incentive for him."   
  
Bud counter-stated, "Incentive for what?"  
  
"What does he have to say that's so important?" Mac flashed a look at Carlton's lawyer.  
  
"I have no idea."  
  
Mac chuckled lowly again, "See you're his lawyer, so you have to listen to him. We don't."  
  
At that precise moment, an explosion went off, setting several car alarms off due to the intensity of the explosion. Both Mac and Bud took cover, then turned around to find that it was the car with Commander Carlton in it. Who would want to kill a Navy Commander? Well, other than most of the military because of him selling secrets to the Russians. The case was looking more than just an espionage case. Something else was tied into it and Mac would surely find out what the certain thing was.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Next Day  
0900 EST  
JAG Headquarters  
Falls Church, VA  
  
Files upon files and boxes littered the long table in the conference room. Even with three people, it was an enormous task to sift through everything to find the reason for Carlton's murder. Mac sighed in disgust as she looked through a box, finding nothing that would be concrete enough to murder someone. God, Carlton sold anything he could get his slimy hands on, she thought as she watched the Admiral in disgust, throw some papers aside about an Los Angles class submarine.  
  
"Sir, I think I found something. Commander Carlton called on new number after he was confined." He hoped that it was something useful.  
  
Mac went over to Bud and took the phone log sheet from him. She glanced at it, "Area code 990. I don't that even exists."  
  
She glanced at the Admiral and he gave her a look of 'yeah right'. She thought the same thing and picked up the phone, dialed the number and waited for someone on the other end to pick up. When a person picked up, Mac started speaking, "Yes, I got your number from Wade Carlton...Webb?"  
  
Both Bud and AJ glanced up at the mention of Webb's name. AJ didn't want to believe that the CIA was somehow involved in this damn case. Every time he heard Webb's name, he cringed inside.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Two Days Later  
1625 EST  
JAG Headquarters  
  
They figured out the reason why Carlton was killed. He had guessed the place where the rogue Russian agents would murder President Putin. Although the trip to Michigan was cancelled, the plan was still on, only this time it would be done in Russia. The place where was completely unknown.  
  
Mac was being sent to Russia to find out the facts. She wanted to avenge the deaths of the two Marine guards, but also resolve the case. She wanted answers like everyone else. Hopefully, she wouldn't run into Harm while over there. She didn't have the strength to face him at the moment.   
  
It was bad enough that a few nights ago, when Mic slept over, she saw Harm's face above her instead of Mic's, while making love. The next morning, she felt that she betrayed Mic in some way. She hated envisioning one man while making love to the other. Why couldn't she and Harm have broken it off before it really got out of hand? Her only thought was, did Harm think of her while making love to Renee?  
  
No, he probably didn't. That would go against what Harmon Rabb was all about. He was about honor and loyalty to those he cared for. The poster boy for the Navy. He surely would not think about another woman when fucking the other.  
  
Mac cursed herself for letting that harsh word enter her thoughts. She shouldn't think like that, but she could not help herself. When it came to Harm, she felt possessive, although she never truly possessed him during the years of their affair. He was Renee's and he seemed quite content with being hers for the moment.   
  
However, Mac hated being Mic's trophy. He treated her as something he won, a prized possession. Yet, she was the one who put everyone in this situation. She did not wait for Harm. She was the one who ran into the arms of another man. She was the one who accepted another man's ring. It certainly was not the other way around. Harm would never screw up a good thing. That was Mac's job, screwing up every good thing she ever had. She wished that she knew a way of putting everything back the way it was. The only problem, she could not turn back time.   
  
She pushed the thoughts to the back of her mind. She shouldn't even be thinking about Harm and everything associated with him, when she had a case to solve. Mac gathered up her belongings and exited her office. She still needed to pack for her trip.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Two Days Later  
2200 Local Time  
Moscow, Russia  
  
For the first time in days, she felt refreshed. Upon arriving in Moscow two days ago, she learned of Harm's whereabouts and how he was in the middle of her murder investigation without any knowledge of it. Mac conned Alexei into taking her to the Army base in Chechnya after both Webb and Falcon told her to go to the hotel and wait. Sarah MacKenzie didn't wait for anything. One of the many reasons why she was the stubborn person she was known to be.  
  
They caught the assassin who murdered Commander Carlton, before he could assassinate President Putin. Harm was surprised to see Mac in Russia, let alone Chechnya. Yet, once she explained everything that had happened, he understood why she came. Not long after, everyone returned to Moscow. Mac told Harm that he had a lot of explaining to do about the newest member to their group.  
  
Mac sat down on the bed, situating herself against the headboard with a pillow behind her back. While in Chechnya, Harm met his little brother. When his father was in Siberia, he fell in love with the farm woman, Pitcha. It turned out that Harm Sr. was killed before Sergei's birth. Mac had noticed the Rabb genes in the young Russian Sergeant. He certainly inherited the captivating eyes and Rabb smile.  
  
She had noticed that Harm had little to say on the matter. He probably was still taking everything in. His father fell in love with another woman, other than his mother. He had a right to be betrayed by his father. However, Harm Sr. thought that Trish had probably moved on since he was presumed dead. All Mac knew was that Harm embraced Sergei as his brother and took on the role of 'big brother' with great ease.  
  
A hard knock at her hotel room brought her back to the present. Mac got up from the bed and went over to it. Opening it revealed Harm on the other side.  
  
"Hey, I hope I'm not bothering you." He looked at her, hoping he hadn't woken her up.  
  
"No, you're not. I just got out of the shower and I couldn't sleep." She eyed him and noticed tiredness in his eyes. He had been through so much the last two days. He was running on pure adrenaline. "Come on in, Harm."  
  
He flashed her a small smile and stepped into the room. Mac closed the door behind him.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0530 Local Time  
Mac's Hotel Room  
  
Harm quietly slipped from the warm bed and the much warmer body of Sarah MacKenzie. He never meant last night to happen. He needed someone to talk about Sergei. And the person he could always talk to was Mac. When he looked at her in her blue silk robe, everything he came to see her for flew out the window. At that moment, he needed to feel her skin underneath his fingertips. Feel her writhing underneath him. Feel her body exploding around his as he brought her to climax. Harm just needed Sarah MacKenzie.  
  
And he got her. More than once last night. The first coupling happened against the door. Harm attacked her after she closed the hotel room door. They made it to the bed for the second and third rounds. Around three o'clock in the morning, they got a shower together and came together up against the tiles. Mac fell asleep instantly when they returned to the bed. Harm slept for awhile, but he mainly lay there, wide awake, holding Mac in his arms.  
  
He needed to get back to his room to pack for their flight home. He also needed to get away from Mac before he made love to her once more. After last night, he should feel remorse for cheating on Renee, but he did not. He felt nothing and for some odd reason, it made him feel so much worse. Harm gathered up his clothes and started to get dressed, but his eyes met Mac's chocolate brown ones, and he was completely lost.  
  
"Harm, stay for awhile longer." Her voice held a seductive tone and he stayed. For the first time in their affair, Mac engaged in morning sex. Some mind-blowing morning sex that left her wanting more.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0830 Local Time  
Moscow International Airport  
Moscow, Russia  
  
They had agreed not to talk about their night together. It was better to leave things unsaid between them, since whenever they opened their mouths, things seemed to become worse between the both of them.   
  
Harm was still fuming from earlier this morning when Mac called Mic to let him know that she was all right. Just mere minutes before calling him, she had been moaning Harm's name in ecstasy. She had been with another man, yet, the moment she got on the phone, Mac played the 'girlfriend missing boyfriend' role perfectly. How could she make love with him so passionately then turn around and act as if she missed Mic enormously?  
  
It pained him inside, knowing that she shared a bed with Mic Brumby. If she only knew that he envisions making love with her while he's with Renee. Harm only wondered if Mac did the same.   
  
He silently told himself no, she wouldn't do that. That was not what Sarah MacKenzie was about. She wouldn't think about another while making love to the man she's with.  
  
Harm willed himself to stop thinking about Mac and start thinking about what he left behind. A few minutes earlier, he tried to convince Sergei to come back to the States with him. The convincing only went so far. Sergei was just like both their father and Harm; he would not give up his duty when there was still duty to do. In some small way, Harm understood, even though he wanted Sergei to come home with him.  
  
The two brothers agreed to keep in touch and someday, they might see each other again. Harm hugged the younger one tightly, afraid to let him go, but he did. Reluctantly, though. Now, he sat in the plane, beside Mac, wondering how he screwed up his life so much. He had lost Sergei and Mac. What more could he lose before he realized what was important?  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Two Weeks Later  
2100 EST  
Mac's Apartment  
Georgetown  
  
She thanked everyone, including God, that the trial was over. During the trial, she had been put through hell. She was plastered all over the television; humiliated by Johnnie Cochran, Mary Hart and Craig Kilborn. Not to mention the defense lawyer as well. Her life couldn't have gotten any worse. Yet, after everything she went through, Mic was the one who humiliated her the most. He lied to People Magazine about being her fiancée, which was entirely untrue, and not to mention the picture that was shown on the Late Night Show. As if she wouldn't recognize a photo that Mic took while in Sydney. Did he actually take her for an idiot? Once the trial was over, she let him know that she didn't want to see him for awhile. Mac needed some time to be angry.  
  
Mac rustled around in the kitchen, making herself some hot tea. She had just put the kettle on the stove when a knock sounded at her door. She only hoped that it wasn't Mic, because if it was, he would certainly get an earful for not following her orders.  
  
She made her way to the door and opened it. A smile appeared on her face at her visitor. "Hey, how's it going? I thought you were on assignment?"  
  
"I was. I got back today and went to Petty Officer Palamero's funeral. Can I come in or you gonna make me stand in the hallway?"  
  
Mac chuckled at his statement and stepped aside to let him into the apartment. Once the door was closed, she turned to Harm. "You want a cup of tea? I have enough hot water in the kettle for two."  
  
"That sounds great. I could use something to unwind." Harm collapsed on the couch, laying his head back against the cushions.  
  
Mac glanced at him for a moment, then ducked into the kitchen. A few minutes later, she returned with two steaming mugs of tea. She set them down on the coffee table, then sat down beside Harm, folding her legs underneath her.  
  
"How did your investigation go?"  
  
"It was hell for his best friend. Petty Office Palamero was high on LSD because his roommate had stamps laced in it for his own pleasure. Palamero ran out of his own stamps and used on of his. He then jumped in front of an F-14." Harm ran a hand over his face before continuing, "I felt bad for the guy. He was the reason that Palamero was dead." He picked up his mug and held it between his two large hands.  
  
"It must've been hard, knowing you killed your best friend." Mac watched Harm and wondered how she would feel in that type of situation.  
  
A flash of his ramp strike entered his mind. "Enough about my investigation. What about your trial?" Harm quickly changed the subject.  
  
"Oh, you don't want to hear about the trial. It was hell, believe me."  
  
Harm chuckled, "What was so bad about it?"  
  
"Let's see, I was humiliated all over television. Mic told People Magazine that he wouldn't sell out his fiancée and gave a picture to the Late Night Show for Craig Kilborn to show off. You're not the only one who needs to wind down." Mac finished the last of her tea and set the cup back down on the coffee table.  
  
"What picture did Mic give?" A devilish smile appeared on his face.  
  
"You're bad, Harmon Rabb."  
  
Harm scooted closer to her. "Come on, Mac, what picture was it?"  
  
Mac sighed, "It was one of me on Manly Beach. Are you satisfied?"  
  
"You're weren't topless were you?" Harm eyed her incredulously.  
  
"You really are a prude, Harm." She got up from the couch and took their mugs into the kitchen.  
  
Harm followed her, "It's just that I don't want to see your career ruined by Mic. Besides, I'm not a prude." He stood behind her and crossed his arms over his chest.  
  
"Harm, Mic loves me. He wouldn't ruin my career." She faced him, "And yes, you are a prude. Now, the conversation is closed about Mic and you being a prude. I don't want to talk about it anymore."  
  
Mac brushed past him and went back into the living room. Harm followed quickly behind her. He stood in the middle of the room, while she stood at the window, admiring the city outside.  
  
"How about we talk about me missing you?" He whispered.  
  
"Harm, please, I cannot deal with this tonight."  
  
"When can you deal with it, Mac? I missed you like crazy these past two weeks. I know we're both in relationships, but I need you, Mac." Harm walked the distance that separated them and now stood in front of her.  
  
Mac reached up two trembling fingers and touched his lips. "I need you, too, Harm. Yet, this isn't right. None of it is. I need you, but I'm also committed to Mic and you to Renee. It's come so far that it's now difficult to go back. I cannot hurt Mic anymore, Harm. I just cannot do this anymore."  
  
She withdrew her fingers and strolled away from him. Harm went after her and caught her in front of the couch. "I need you so much, Mac. So much that I ache inside. When I see you with Mic, I want to rip him apart."  
  
"Why won't you say something? Why won't you make all this go away?" She pleaded to him with her voice as well as her eyes.  
  
"I can't Mac. I just can't." He whispered, "You have to understand that. Right now, I'm not the person that you deserve. You deserve better." He grasped her upper arms in a gentle grip.  
  
"Don't you know, I'd take you any way."  
  
Harm lowered his mouth to hers and whispered against her sweet lips, "It wouldn't be fair to you." With that last statement, he fused his mouth to hers.  
  
A low moan sounded in her throat as her arms went around his neck. Her tongue found its way into his mouth, lightly touching and retreating. How had she gone without this for two weeks? She missed kissing Harm. She missed what followed the kissing. She missed everything, but was too afraid to admit to Harm. Mac didn't want to seem as if she wanted this as much as he did. Neither of them wanted the other to know that they wanted this between them.   
  
His voice was low, "Mac, can we move this to the bedroom?" He lifted his head to look into her eyes. He couldn't tell if she wanted him to stay or leave. "Do you want me to leave? I'll understand if you don't want me to because of Mic accidentally showing up."  
  
Mac placed her fingers on her lips, silencing him. "I told Mic that I needed a few days to be mad at him. He won't call or come over. I practically ordered him not to."  
  
"So, you want me to stay?"  
  
"Yes." She brushed her fingers through his sweat-dampened hair. "I know it's wrong, but I need you for the whole night. I'll deal with the consequences tomorrow."  
  
And so it went for the rest of the night. They reached for each other as many times as they could before the sun rose in the morning sky. Mac made breakfast for them both and they ate, barely saying a word to each other.  
  
She watched him gather up his clothes from the night before and slip into the bedroom to change. He returned a few minutes later, took one look at her and knew the same expression was on his face as well. Mac walked him to the door, stopped him before he could open the door. She leaned up on her tiptoes and lightly kissed his lips, then ran a hand down his unshaven cheek. Harm left without saying a word. Mac wondered how much more they could take before this whole thing blew up in their faces.  
~*~*~*~*~* 


	9. Chapter 8

Four Weeks Later  
2100 EST  
Mac's Apartment  
Georgetown  
  
Mac softly closed the door behind Mic and leaned back against it. She thought he would never leave. He came for dinner and wanted to have his dessert in the bedroom. She certainly was not in the mood for sex. Well, correct that, she was in the mood for sex, but it wasn't with Mic. She angrily stomped her foot. How the hell did she get herself into this mess? She was with two men and she was torn between both of them. Mic offered the life she most wanted, a family. Yet, Harm held her heart and body. He made her feel alive every time they were together. Whenever she was with him, she felt so alive. With Mic, she was much more reserved. She hated being torn between both of them.  
  
She also hated cheating on Mic. It was not fair to him. However, whenever Harm came over or called, Mac could never say no. She wished that she had more willpower when it came to Harm. That would be the day, when she could refuse Harm. Mac would have to document that day for future references.  
  
Just like the only time that they didn't make love. It happened three weeks ago when they heard the news about Harriet and Bud. Harriet went into labor and there were complications. The baby did not survive. Harm came to her door with tears in his eyes and told her the news, although she already knew. They sat on the couch, holding each other and talking about little AJ and the day when Harriet and Bud announced their new addition. Mac never felt safer that night, being held in his arms. For one night, she felt truly loved by the man who owned her heart.  
  
And it turned out yesterday, that she wasn't the only partner that Harm slept with. His first partner, Kate Pike showed up at JAG yesterday. The moment that Kate and Harm set eyes on each other, Mac could hear the electricity crackling between the two. She felt the jealousy rise to the surface and tried to keep it hidden. Ever since she knew that Harm was jealous of Mic, she tried not to make it known that she was jealous of any woman that showed interest in Harm. Bless her heart, Harriet diverted everyone's attention when she noticed the ring was missing from her right hand. Therefore, instead of noticing the jealousy in Mac's eyes, Harm noticed the ring on her left hand. And a look of defeat crossed his handsome face.   
  
A week before, Mac had switched the ring over after meeting with Harm at the wall. Sergei was missing in action and Harm wanted to go to Russia to help with the search. AJ had denied his request, but granted him leave to visit his mother, before she found out about Sergei in the newspapers. Yet, when he returned from California, he seemed different. Although, the Admiral didn't let him go over, Harm decided to resign his commission. He wanted to give up everything he worked for, for his brother. No one could talk him out of the decision that he made. Not even Mac. She got a call from Renee, asking if she could find him and talk to him. Mac knew exactly where he would be. But her talk with him did absolutely nothing.   
  
She was left with the thought of him leaving her again, so she went to Mic. At his apartment, she found in full uniform. He called his former CO and found out that if he wanted to come back, there was a job waiting for him. Mac felt her heart breaking for the second time that evening. She did not want to be alone. She did not know how to be alone. Therefore, she did the only thing possible---she switched the ring over and that simple gesture made Mic stay with her.   
  
Harm stayed as well. Clayton Webb came to see him before he left JAG and informed him that Sergei was a prisoner of war. He was alive and all right.   
  
Mac hated the look that entered Harm's eyes yesterday. She didn't want him to give up on her. She didn't want him to leave her alone to be happy with Mic. Mac wanted him to put up a fight for her, but he was being so damn honorable that it infuriated her.  
  
She didn't understand how he could stand back and watch her with another man. How could he deny his feelings for her? It was as if he had his feelings for her on a bilge switch. Whenever the urge for her came to the surface, he would flip the switch and out came his feelings for her. And what kind of friend would she be if she denied him during that time. At least at that time, she felt wanton.  
  
Mac pushed the thoughts from her mind and decided for the rest of the night not to think about Harm. She strolled into the kitchen, got herself a glass of orange juice, then returned to the living room. After switching on the television and putting in a movie, she curled up on the couch and drowned herself in the typical Hollywood love story.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0300 EST  
  
Mac groaned angrily at the persistent knocking at her door. Who, in god's name, would be knocking at this hour? She only knew of one person, but he had someone warming his bed, so he surely wouldn't be at her apartment. Yet, a significant other never stopped him before, even in the wee hours of the morning. Not to mention, the known fact of she having a fiancée was not stopping him from being with her. It was if that made him want her more. It was probably the thrill of being caught by either Mic or Renee. Harmon Rabb enjoyed the thrill of the chase.  
  
As she continued to lie on the couch, not answering the door, the knocking got louder. Instead of having her neighbors angry with her, Mac decided to answer the door. She got up from the couch, went over to the door and opened it.  
  
"Jesus, Mac, what took you so long!" Harm exclaimed as he strolled into the apartment without an invitation.  
  
"Yes, you may come in," she stated sarcastically as she closed the door behind him. Mac turned around with a glare in her eyes. "Do you have any idea what time it is!"  
  
Harm looked at her as if she had grown another head. He thought she would be happy to see him. He thought she would be yearning for him as he was for her. "You're not happy to see me?"  
  
Mac scoffed, "Happy to see you? Harm, it's three o'clock in the fuckin' morning! Why would I be happy to see you?"  
  
"Well, I'd thought---"  
  
Mac cut him off in mid sentence, "Thought what? Thought I wanted an early morning fuck before work? Why don't you go find Kate? I'm sure she'll oblige your needs at this hour."  
  
"Fine, Mac! I'm sorry that I came over." He went over to the door. "It was bad enough that Renee grilled me about Kate and you earlier this evening. I don't need it from you." His hand was on the doorknob, ready to retreat.  
  
She heard the anguish in his voice and wondered what was said between him and Renee. Mac pushed all her anger for him, aside and called out to him. "Harm, wait. I'm sorry that I snapped at you. It was a bad night with Mic."  
  
"Sorry about that. You want to talk about it?"  
  
"Not particularly. I'd rather find out what was said about me."  
  
Harm chuckled and smiled at her statement. "It was nothing bad, Mac. She knows what to say and what not to say about you around me. Renee is not stupid in that department."  
  
"She could have fooled me," she mumbled.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing. Please, talk to me." Mac motioned for him to sit down with her.  
  
Once they were seated on the couch, Harm started talking, "She came right out of the blue, after dinner, asking me what was my relationship with Kate. I explained that she was my first partner, nothing more, nothing less."  
  
"You didn't tell her that you two had a weekend together?" Mac curled her legs underneath her.  
  
"No! Renee would've had a field day with that information. God, could you see her if she knew about us?" Harm chuckled softly.  
  
"Hmm, she probably skin me alive before going on to you."  
  
Harm looked at her with shock in his eyes from her statement. "Mac, Renee wouldn't do that kind of thing. I don't think she would."  
  
"I do." Mac said and noticed the shock expression on his face once more. "Oh, come on, Harm, think about it. Everything she ever thought about us would be true. She would lose you to me, because she couldn't possibly compete with Sarah MacKenzie for your attention. I would be the sole reason of her leaving you. She would hate me. Although, I think she already does."  
  
"Mac---" Harm stopped in mid-sentence, not wanting to stick his foot in his mouth once more.  
  
"Harm, she's just like Jordan when it comes to you and me. She knows that you'll be with her until I realize that I want you."  
  
He sighed deeply at the mention at his previous girlfriend's name. It was bad enough that Renee asked about his relationship with Mac so many times, but when she asked about his previous girlfriends, it became too personal. He hated discussing his past relationships with anyone. They were mistakes and he hated dwelling on mistakes when he could move on with his life.  
  
Mac noticed his nervousness when she mentioned Jordan's name. She placed her hand on his arm, "Harm, I'm sorry for mentioning Jordan, let alone Renee. I didn't mean to make this conversation so personal."  
  
"Nah, it's okay, Mac." He waved a hand, signaling that he was all right with the direction that the conversation took. "We can just factor Mic into the conversation. We never liked each other the moment we met. I just always thought that you could do better than him."  
  
"You thought that about all my boyfriends. What is better to you? Any relationship that I'll have, you will never approve of it. Why? Is it because I'm not choosing you first?"  
  
He sucked in a deep breath; "I don't want to discuss this."  
  
She punched him in the chest, not hard enough to hurt him, "Damn you, Harm! When do you want to discuss it! When eternity is up?" She was so angry with him that she stood up from the couch. Mac paced back and forth in front of Harm, "Just tell me, when is it a good time for you to talk? I would like to know, so I don't keep bringing it up in conversation and looking like the village idiot."  
  
Her words of anger made him wince inwardly. He never once thought that his reasons for not discussing their relationship further would hurt her as much as it did. "I'm sorry for coming by. It was obviously a mistake."  
  
"Yes, it was a mistake. This whole thing between us is a mistake." The harsh words spewed from her mouth.  
  
"I'm leaving before I say something I'll regret."  
  
Mac watched him get up from the couch and stroll over to the door. She so much wanted to say something, but opted not to. She did not want to get into an argument with Harm. Their arguments only added more tension to the already straining friendship. It didn't need anymore.  
  
"Do you not find me attractive enough for you?" The words exited her mouth without her even realizing it.  
  
Her simple statement stopped Harm in his tracks. He turned to face her and saw the insecurity reflecting in her brown orbs. "I think you're a very attractive woman, Sarah."  
  
Mac's breath hitched in her throat from hearing her name on his tongue. He rarely called her 'Sarah'. He didn't even let it slip when they were making love. It screamed intimacy. Harm wanted nothing to do with the intimacy factor. "If you find me attractive, then why don't you want to be with me?"  
  
"You deserve better than a worn-out fighter pilot turned lawyer. You deserve romance and love; everything that I cannot give you."  
  
"Why won't you let me be the judge of what I deserve? Stop trying to protect me, Harm. I don't need protecting from anything in life, especially you. And if you're also worried about my career, let me be the judge of that as well." She now found herself standing in front of him, only inches separating them.  
  
With his hand shaking, he reached it up and caressed her smooth cheek. "I can't love you the way you should be loved. I'm just not capable of that---not now and probably never in my life. The man that you perceived me to be doesn't exist. He never did.'  
  
"Yes, he does. I know he does. You just need to find him."  
  
"I'm sorry, Mac." Harm dropped his hand and turned toward the door. He only took three steps before her voice stopped him once more.  
  
"Don't walk away, Harm. Please, don't walk away this time."  
  
He faced her, "Why shouldn't I walk away?"  
  
"Because if you do, you'll lose me for good. I won't wait for you forever, Harm." She crossed her arms beneath her breasts; "It's now or never."  
  
"I've already lost you, Mac. It's all because of that damn ring on your finger. You don't belong to me and you never did. You always belonged to someone else and I was stupid to realize how much you meant to me until it was too late."  
  
"Harm, I'm not anyone's belonging. I am my own person."  
  
He scoffed, "Tell that to Brumby. He trots you around like you're some prized horse that he won." Harm ran a hand through his hair before continuing, "Let me go, Mac. Concentrate on Mic and forget about me. He's giving you the life that you want."  
  
Harm didn't give her a chance to respond. He quickly exited the apartment, leaving Mac standing in the middle of the living room, completely dazed.  
  
She had hoped that he would try to stop her from going through her marriage to Mic. Instead, he pushed her to marry him. Mac strolled to the bathroom, deciding to get an early start on her morning routine.   
  
As she stepped into the steaming shower, letting the water cascade over her body, the true reality of Harm's words finally sank in. Mac leaned against the wall and cried. The tears mixed with the water, for one moment, she didn't know where the water on her skin ended, and the tears began.  
~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	10. Chapter 9

Four Months Later  
2035 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
Four months ago, he had told her to forget about him. He had told her to concentrate on her relationship with Mic. Much to both his amazement and disappointment, she had. Last month, a wedding date was decided upon. Everything was going in the direction that she wanted. He only hoped.  
  
Right now, though, Sarah MacKenzie was the farthest thing on his mind. Two nights ago, an ex-girlfriend was killed and NCIS ruled it as a suicide. Obviously, Harm didn't believe those findings at all. Jordan Parker was not one to end her life so abruptly. Mac helped him convince the Admiral to do their own investigation, to find out the truth.  
  
To everyone, Harm was being a first class jerk. He wanted to find out the truth just like everyone else, but he was obsessed by it. It was as if he was committing himself to Jordan in her death. Unlike when he could not when she was alive. The commitment to Jordan at the moment was infuriating Renee.  
  
He didn't want to talk to Renee. Not about his relationship with Jordan. Not about how it ended between the two of them. He most certainly did not want to talk about himself. Harm couldn't understand why he was obsessing over Jordan's death. Maybe it was his way of apologizing for the hurt he caused her by returning to flying. She had been lucid when she learned of his change of designator. She was not in love with Harmon Rabb, the fighter pilot. Jordan fell in love with Harmon Rabb, the lawyer.  
  
Harm did not want the relationship to end just because he was back to flying. He thought they could work it out somehow. It never happened. When he returned from flying, he let her know that he wanted to see her. Jordan met him at his apartment and informed him that the relationship was really over. She accepted a duty station in Spain. Jordan ended it the way she wanted, by walking away and never looking back.  
  
A yelling voice broke through his thoughts, "Harm, do I have to die for you to commit to me?"  
  
"Renee-" He sighed deeply, then continued, "Just give me a week, okay?"  
  
"Give me a call when you're ready to talk and pay attention to me." She stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her.  
  
Harm laid his head back against the cushions of the couch, sighing deeply. Renee was right, though. He could not commit to any of his girlfriends he had throughout his adult life. He could not even commit to Mac and she was the one he really wanted. He wanted more than sex with Mac. For the first time in his life, Harmon Rabb wanted everything with one woman. He wanted the typical American dream: house with a white picket fence, a wife, and the 2.5 kids. However, he was hiding behind the shield he built around his heart after losing his father. No one could get past it. Jordan somehow managed to analyze some of the reasons why he acted the way he did. She had only dented the shield.   
  
Mac was the only one who got through. Ironically, she was the one he kept turning away, thinking she could do better. In both his heart and mind, she was the one. Those two just had to get the message to his mouth, so he could say the words. As if that'll ever happen.  
  
A soft chuckle exited his mouth. He found a bit funny that he would start thinking about Jordan and end up with Mac. God, he missed her. It wasn't the sex that he was missing. He missed his best friend. There was certain banter between them at work and that was missing in action. Things were changing and he hated it. In a week would be her engagement party. The final nail in the coffin.  
  
After the party came the wedding. One wedding that he would be missing if he had his way. His carrier quals were coming up and he hoped that they fell on the weekend of Mac's wedding. He knew that he was being childish, but he didn't care. He could not dress up, put a happy smile on his face, and watched Mac marry Mic Brumby, acting like it didn't bother him one bit. He could not do that!  
  
Yet, everyone thought that Mac's relationship with Mic didn't bother him. He put on a good front around his coworkers. Nonetheless, it did bother him. Bothered him so much that it made him sick. It should be him that she's marrying.  
  
A relationship between him and Mac should've happened a long time. God, their first night together, his heart was definitely in it. He could not make himself feel nothing for Mac. She was a beautiful, strong, compassionate woman.   
  
She had that persona of taking shit from no one and she certainly did not need protecting. Not only did others get that from looking at her, but she let him know as well.  
  
Harm knew since he was one that she told. She did not let him get away with anything and it was like that today. He was used to Meg and getting away with things, but when Mac came along, that stopped.   
  
He laughed as the memory of their first case together, came into his mind. Harm always thought that his smile could melt any woman. Mac wasn't just 'any woman'. She saw right through him. He crashed and burned on that attempt, as did he in Colombia. Only that time, he had his dress whites on, complete with gold wings. Mac loved reminding him that she was immune to everything that Navy fighter pilots were about.  
  
Mac, however, could not get away with anything when it came to Harm. He knew her too well. He knew when she was lying to him. Her lip curled up in a sexy manner when she was lying. She looked surprised the first time he caught her on it. After only a year together, they could read each other so well.  
  
Knew each other better than a significant other. And there were a lot of those throughout their partnership. Even through all his relationships, he had loved only one woman. He could not that woman, though. It was as if he was afraid. Afraid of what, he did not know. Maybe he was afraid that Mac didn't feel the same way. On the other hand, maybe he was afraid of her loving him as well, knowing that someone actually loved Harmon Rabb.   
  
Numerous times, he wished that the conversation in Sydney Harbor went a different direction. If only he could turn back time. He would let Mac know that he loved her. He wouldn't skirt around the issue. However, Harm was not Father Time.   
  
He was only human. Human enough to know his mistakes. Human enough to regret all the things that he didn't say to Mac. Sure, he was a fighter pilot. He had stared death in the face most of his adult life, and lived to tell about it. He wasn't immortal. He did have soul. A soul that was breaking everyday as Mac's wedding crept closer.  
  
There were certainly times when he hated being human. The night of his ramp strike was one of those as were the days, weeks, and months that followed it. During that time, he hated himself. Hated that he killed a friend, someone who did not deserve to die. He didn't want to feel anything. He just wanted to be numb. He didn't want anyone around him. He wanted to be alone and wallow in his self-pity.  
  
For months, his demons would be re-occurring dreams about the crash. Every night, he would wake up in a cold sweat, his breathing heavy, as his mind reenacted it. Somehow, someway, with super human strength, he conquered his demons. Yet, whenever he looked at his wings or his service record, those demons come rushing back for a brief moment.  
  
Harmon Rabb was human.  
  
He just didn't let everyone see his human side. He showed them the cocky, ex-fighter pilot, who wanted justice to be right, even if it meant going to the ends of the earth for it. He always had to be right. He was always on his pedestal, never to be knocked off.  
  
Harmon Rabb was human.  
  
He let his coworkers see through his shield for a brief moment when it came to his father. That was his weak spot. For that brief moment, his friends saw the real Harmon Rabb. They saw the hurt and pain of a little boy losing his father. They saw the elation of knowing that his father might still be alive.  
  
Harmon Rabb was human.  
  
He let his true feelings show when making love with Mac. He poured his heart and soul into pleasuring the woman he adored. Even in the morning, he didn't hide what he was feeling. Mac could see everything reflected in his eyes.  
  
Harm got up from the couch, a bit agitated with where his thoughts went. He went over to the window and watched the city of D.C. What kind of person had he become? There, he was, thinking about the woman he loved; yet, he did nothing. All he had to do was pick up the phone, call her, and tell her. He just kept telling himself that it was too late.  
  
Too late for what? Too late for him to declare his love for Sarah MacKenzie? Too late to realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life four months ago?   
  
He furiously ran his fingers through his hair as he thought about that night. Mac gave him an ultimatum and he did nothing. Nothing! He did what he did best. He walked away.  
  
Mac was lost to him forever because he was a stupid bastard.  
  
All he had to do was pick up the phone and dial her number. It was that simple. Yet, he made the simplest of things complicated. How could he be so dense about the one thing he really wanted? He wanted Mac. He needed her. And he never needed anything in his life, but he needed Mac.  
  
The ironic thing about all this, no matter how many times he let Mac down or hurt her, she still loved him. She never gave up on him, even with Mic's ring on her finger. She was always there, loving him while she loved another man. How could she do that? How could she divide her love among two people and still be sane in the end?  
  
Harm made himself stroll over to the desk and pick up his cordless. For what seemed like hours, although it was only a few minutes, he stared at the numbers. He could not make himself dial the numbers that would get Mac on the other end.  
  
"Just dial the number, Rabb. It's not that difficult." Harm stated to himself.  
  
His finger placed itself on the first number, just resting on the surface. Before long, he managed to get the number dialed.  
  
As it rang on the other end, he wondered what he would say to her. How do you begin to tell someone your feelings towards him or her? Were there a right way and a wrong way? Harm didn't know because he had never done this before. This whole scenario was new to him.  
  
His thoughts were cut short when Mac finally answered the phone on the fourth ring. "Mac, it's Harm. I have something to tell you."  
~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	11. Chapter 10

One Week Later  
2100 EST  
Chegwidden Residence  
McLean, VA  
  
Harm stepped onto the porch, breathing in the cool night air. He needed a little breather since the house was getting a bit stuffy. Not to mention that Renee was getting a little possessive of him. He sat down on the bench and rested his head back against the house. A week ago, he thought things were looking up for him. He finally realized that he loved Mac and was ready to express his feelings. That was a big step in his life since he never expressed his feelings any woman he had dated.  
  
When Mac answered the phone, the sentence was on the tip of his tongue, but he never had the chance to say it. She got distracted by Mic, wondering who was on the phone. She had tried to cover the mouthpiece, but Harm heard every word between them. His heart broke on the spot. The things Mac said about him to Mic. He didn't know if they were true or if was just her way of getting Mic off her back. He never stayed on the line to find out. He quietly hung up and wallowed his self-pity for the rest of the evening.   
  
Neither of them mentioned the call the next day at work. They went into their respective work attitude and to an outsider, it seemed everything was all right between them. If people only knew truth behind the tension between the two. It would certainly shock the JAG staff if they knew what happened behind their backs all those years.  
  
The door opening and being closed brought Harm back to reality. He turned his head toward the visitor and encountered those brown orbs he loved so much.  
  
"What are you doing out here again? I thought we were finished our conversation."  
  
Harm chuckled as he remembered earlier in the evening. He and Mac had retreated outside to discuss their case. Somehow, the conversation was directed away from the case to her engagement and the night in Sydney Harbor. He was about to confess his feelings for her when Renee walked up and spoiled the moment. After that, the conversation was dropped and Harm figured that it would never be brought up again.  
  
"I just needed to get some air. It was getting a bit stuffy inside."  
  
"I know what you mean." She sat down beside him on the bench. "I also forgot my purse out here when we went back inside. So, what's on your mind?"  
  
'You', Harm thought. Oh, how he wished he could say that answer. Yet, it wouldn't make a difference now. Mac was hell-bent on marrying Brumby. "The way you look this evening to who you're going home with."  
  
Mac gasped at the last part. In her heart, she didn't want to go home with Mic. She wanted to be in Harm's arms one last time before she married another man. She wanted one last night of passion. "Harm..."  
  
"It's all right, Mac. You don't have to say anything. I'm just saying what's on my mind right now."  
  
"I would like to be with you tonight, but it's just not possible."  
  
Harm stared at Mac with wide eyes. Did he just hear her say that? Or were his ears playing tricks on him? He swallowed the huge lump in his throat before answering, "I understand."  
  
Mac remained silent. That was not the answer she was looking for. She wanted Harm to figure out a plan for them to be together. She wanted him to think of lies to tell their significant others. Mac wanted nothing to do with the lies. She had told enough lies during her relationship with Mic. God, every time she slept with Harm, there were lies involved to keep Mic away from her apartment. "Harm..."  
  
He cut her off, "Is there a way to send Mic home to his apartment tonight?"  
  
His question caught her off guard. He acted as if he didn't want to be with her tonight a few minutes before. Mac's voice was a soft whisper, "Yes. What about Renee?"  
  
"It's already covered. She has to film another commercial tomorrow morning, so she'll need all the sleep she can get. She says that she can't sleep at my apartment...too much noise for her."  
  
"When would you like to meet?" Her eyes stared straight ahead, afraid to look at him and see the desire in his eyes.  
  
"Midnight is fine by me." He told himself to not look at her. He did not want to see the desire and regret in her eyes. Harm sat there for awhile, then decided to ask her about his phone call last week. "Mac, sorry for the changing the subject, but why did you say those things about me to Mic last week, when I called?"  
  
Mac turned her face towards him, shocked that he knew of what she said. She had thought she covered the mouthpiece enough for Harm not to hear. It was obvious that he did. "Harm, about what I said, I'm sorry. They were meant to shut Mic up, not to hurt you. Is that why you hung up on me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, Mic isn't here right now, so you can tell me what you wanted."  
  
"It was nothing important, Mac," he waved off her suggestion to talk. He did not want to tell her about his carrier quals, because she would certainly get angry with that. He would probably miss her wedding. God forbid if he missed the day when his heart would be ripped out of his chest.  
  
"Okay." Mac stood up from the bench, retrieved her purse and went to the door. She turned back to Harm, "I'm heading back in to mingle. I'll see you at your place."  
  
"All right." Harm watched her go back inside. He laid his head back against the house and gazed the star filled sky. He had a gut feeling that this night together would change their relationship. He didn't know if it would be for the better or for the worse. All he knew was that it would change by tomorrow morning.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
2350 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
The soft knock had him racing for the door. He threw open the door, hoping that it didn't make him appear to eager for her presence. Mac stood in the hallway with a small smile on her face. Harm stood aside to let her enter. Once she was inside, he closed the door and had her in his arms in a flash. Her overnight bag thumped as it landed on the floor.  
  
Harm crushed his mouth to hers, driving his tongue into the deep recesses of her mouth. One hand tangled in her auburn tresses while the other cupped her bottom through her dress, pressing her against the rock hard arousal straining in his dress slacks. Both moaned in satisfaction at the action.  
  
Harm pulled his mouth away reluctantly, "I can't wait any longer, Mac. Please say this what you had in mind tonight."  
  
"This and much more, Harm," she panted. Her hand ventured down over his stomach to the bulge in his slacks. She cupped his hard erection in her hand. "Make love to me one last time, Harm."  
  
He groaned low in his throat, then picked her up in his arms and headed for the bedroom. He set her down beside the bed. He carefully unhooked her dress and pulled down the zipper. It fluttered to the floor with a whisper. His heart slammed in his chest at the sight before him. Mac stood before him in just a pair of peach-colored thongs.  
  
Mac shuddered inside from the look in Harm's eyes. Pure desire for her. He had always made her feel beautiful during their times together. The way he touched her, kissed, but most of all, the way he wanted her.  
  
"Oh, Mac." Her name was a groan from his lips. "You're so beautiful." He cupped her breasts in his large hands, rubbing his thumbs over her nipples.  
  
"Harm..." Mac couldn't find her voice to finish the rest of her thought. She could only manage his name, but even that was an effort.  
  
He kissed her again. A hungry tongue thrusting kiss. She clung to him, her fingers threading themselves in his short hair. He left her mouth a few seconds later, moving down her throat to her breasts. His lips traveled over one breast until they enclosed one nipple in their hot recesses. Mac cried out in pleasure, but whimpered when he lifted his mouth, only to cry out once more when he paid homage to the other breast.  
  
Mac managed to make her hands work and started unbuttoning his shirt. Halfway down she lost interest, wanting to feel his skin underneath her fingertips. She pulled the shirt apart, sending buttons flying all over the room. Mac hoped that Harm didn't mind. He lifted his head from her breasts and Mac glanced at his eyes. She saw the same look that she knew was in her own.  
  
Taking the advantage, she dipped her head and captured on of his nipple between her teeth. Her tongue flicked over it repeatedly, sending jolts of electricity through his body. Harm felt his knees go weak when her hands started working on his belt while her mouth remained active.  
  
Her fingers expertly unfasten the belt, popped the button on his slacks and unzipped them. The slacks pooled around his ankles. Mac slipped her hand inside the opening of his boxers, wrapped it around his arousal and slowly rubbed her hand up and down its smooth length.  
  
Harm swore harshly as he disengaged her hand from his boxers. He put her at an arm's length, ordering her to stay. He finished undressing himself, then went to Mac. He slowly removed her thongs, loving the soft moans that came from her as his fingers brushed her intimately as he drew the thongs down her legs to the floor.  
  
"I can't wait any longer, Mac," he panted in her ear.  
  
"I need you, Harm."  
  
Harm laid her down in the middle of the bed, then stretched out on top of her. He positioned himself between her thighs, then slowly slid home.  
  
Mac gasped in pleasure as she wrapped her legs around his waist, resting her ankles against the small of his back. Harm set a steady rhythm. Together, they moved, knowing each other so perfectly after years of making love with each other.  
  
He felt her muscles clenching tighter around his arousal and heard her breathing get heavier. He knew she was close. Harm slipped his hand between their joined bodies and seconds later, Mac flew over the edge, screaming Harm's name. Harm followed close behind and slumped down in her waiting arms.  
  
He rolled to his side and settled her against his side. They soon drifted to sleep, only to wake up two hours later reaching for each other.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0415 EST  
  
The sound of the shower roused Harm from his slumber. He reached out a hand and noticed that her spot was still warm. She hadn't been up long. Harm crawled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. After relieving himself, he stepped into the shower, wrapped her arms around Mac's waist and pulled her back against his body.  
  
"Mmm, good morning," she whispered.  
  
"Morning." Harm lightly kissed her shoulder and nuzzled her neck.  
  
Mac turned in his arms to face him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulled his mouth down to hers and gave him a proper 'good morning' kiss. Their tongues plunged into each other's mouths, tangling with the other. Harm backed her against the wall and drew up one of her legs around his waist. The simple motion put their lower bodies in contact with each other.  
  
"Aren't we feeling frisky this morning," she moaned as his mouth slipped down her throat, licking away the droplets of water.  
  
"Since you let me get some sleep, I got my strength back." Harm lifted his head and looked into her desire-laden eyes. "Do you want to go back to the bed?"  
  
"Nope. I want you here, right now." Mac reached down between them and grasped his hard arousal in her hand, guiding him to her entrance. She then wrapped her other leg around his waist.  
  
Harm entered her slowly, drawing it out for the both of them. Once he was sheathed inside her warmth, he started thrusting. The intensity of his thrusts pressed Mac into the wall and she moaned in appreciation.  
  
"Harder, Harm. I need it harder," she urged him on.  
  
Harm followed her order, thrusting into her harder. He blindly searched for her mouth and captured it in a passionate kiss, swallowing the moans that exited her mouth. His mouth made love to hers while another part of his anatomy caught her up in a maelstrom of colors and sensations.  
  
Soon, she was flying over the edge, her body shuddering from the intensity of her orgasm. He followed close behind and buried his face in her neck. He withdrew from her warm body, let her legs drop to the floor and braced himself against her and the shower wall. His legs were still a bit shaky from the intensity of their lovemaking.  
  
Harm lifted his head from her neck to gaze into her eyes. Mac lifted a hand to his cheek, caressing it lightly. He understood what she was trying to say without words. He shut off the water, steered them both out of the shower. After drying off, they went back into the bedroom, making love once more before Mac had leave later in the morning.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
0745 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
Her purse in one hand and the overnight bag in another, Mac went to the door quietly, hoping not to wake Harm from his slumber. She was almost to the apartment door when something sounded behind her. Mac stopped and turned around. There standing on the steps, emerging from the bedroom was Harm, incredibly sexy after having just woken. Yet, it was the hurt in his captivating eyes that she noticed moreover. Her heart clenched in her chest at the sight, because she was the reason for that look in his eyes.  
  
"Leaving without so much as a goodbye? That's what you do best, isn't it, Mac?" His voice was still husky from sleep as he descended the stairs to the stand a few feet from her.  
  
"No, Harm, that is what you do best."  
  
"You left in the wee morning hours more than I ever did." His hands braced themselves on his hips, as he stood in that so sexy stance.  
  
She shook her head in amazement at him. "As I recall, you were the one who left without saying goodbye the morning after Bud and Harriet's wedding. Not the mention the time when you went back to flying. Then that night in Panama, you slipped out of my room before I woke."  
  
"Do you know how hard it was for me to do that to you?"  
  
Mac held up her hand and asked in a soft voice, "Harm, don't..."  
  
He cut her off abruptly with a hint of venom in his voice. "Don't what, Mac? Don't say how I feel about you? Don't say how I feel about this thing between us? What don't you want me to say, Mac?" He furiously ran a hand through his hair as he awaited her answer. He had thought that they finally got it right---that they would stop sneaking around and finally admit their true feelings to each other.  
  
"I don't know, Harm. I don't know anything anymore." She dropped everything from her hands and held them up in defeat. "This has gotten out of control. We shouldn't have let it come this far."  
  
"Are you regretting what transpired between us over the years?"  
  
"In a way, yes, I am. This is not a normal thing between two people, Harm. God, it's not even described as a relationship. I don't even know what it's called except 'comfort sex'." Her arms wrapped themselves around her middle, drawing strength from herself.  
  
"You don't mean that, Sarah. Please, say you don't mean that. After all we shared, you feel that way about us." He so much wanted to pull her into his arms, but he restrained himself. His hands fisted at his sides in agony.  
  
For a brief moment, Mac lowered her eyes to the floor; afraid to meet his eyes and let him see the answer before she spoke it. Was there even a way of not hurting him? What did it matter, though? What they got themselves into was bound to blow up in their faces eventually. She was amazed that it happened now instead of three years ago.  
  
"Harm, there is no 'us'. There have always been other people between us. Why can't you accept that? I have. Besides, you were the one who called it 'comfort sex' in the beginning. What changed?" Again, she picked up her purse and overnight bag, heading for the door. Heading for freedom from this pain.   
  
"Last night with each other. That's what changed it. I realized how much I wanted you, Mac and how afraid I was of losing you. Not only as a friend but as the woman that I love." His statement made Mac stop in her tracks.  
  
"You never showed me those feelings before, Harm. How was I to know that you wanted me in that way? The one time I truly opened my heart to you, you broke it. I swore to myself that I would never do that again. Last night between us did not change anything. It was once again, 'comfort sex' and in two weeks, I am marrying Mic. It's as simple as that." Mac turned to face him, but kept one hand on the doorknob.  
  
His voice was needy, "What if I said that I love you? Would you stay?" With his heart pounding in his chest, he waited for her reaction.  
  
"What does it matter now? I've been cheating on my fiancée for the past year and I have to deal with it for the rest of my life. You're something I can never have, Harm. You are the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden." Her voice was quivering and Mac ordered herself not to cry until she exited the apartment.  
  
"Would saying those three magical words that you long to hear from me make a difference?"  
  
Mac wished that she did not hear that question. It was her undoing. It was what she had been waiting for the last three years. Yet, would it be said with true feeling or just in the heat of the moment? "Would you mean it, if you said it?" The question rolled off her tongue.  
  
"Would you stay, Sarah?" His whole meaning for living hung on her answer.  
  
"Yes."  
  
At the sound of that one word exiting her mouth, his heart started beating for the first time that morning. Tentatively, he took a few steps toward her, but she held up a hand and he immediately stopped. "Mac, I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear back in Sydney Harbor? I love you and only you."  
  
Tears threatened to fall from her eyes, but she held them at bay until she retreated from the apartment. "Harm, you don't mean it. You're just scared of me leaving you---not just today but for good when I marry Mic. You couldn't commit in Sydney, and you could not even express your feelings last night at the party. You are afraid of loving someone. And if you keep that up, you will end up alone."  
  
"I...I...love you."  
  
Mac went over to him and caressed his unshaven cheek, "I know, but you don't love me enough, yet. Before you can love me, you have to love yourself. And I think you have a lot of special gifts to offer the right woman." With that last statement, she was gone. Not just gone from the apartment, but gone from his life.  
  
"You're the right woman, Sarah." He whispered to thin air.   
  
Harm could still feel the gentle touch of her hand on his cheek and the sweet fragrance of her perfume. He so much wanted to shout in anguish. He finally managed to tell her how he truly felt, but it didn't go as well as he planned it in his head. He thought that Mac felt the same way. Was she that happy with Brumby or was it just because he was giving her something that Harm couldn't when she wanted it?  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The tears unleashed themselves the moment she stepped out into the hallway. Mac made her way to the elevator, but only made it halfway before she collapsed against the wall. Her eyes blurry with tears beyond her control, she slid down until she sat on the floor. All the time she wanted to hear those three little words, Harm could not let go. Finally, when he opened up, she turned him away.  
  
She was too far into the engagement with Mic to break it off now. God, her wedding was in two weeks. It just wasn't fair. Life in general was not fair. She was entering a marriage on false terms, not in love with the man whom she was marrying. How was that fair to Mic? He loved her with every fiber of his being. He even moved halfway around the world for her, Sarah MacKenzie. You do not love someone just a little to do a drastic change like that as Mic Brumby did for her. Mac just was not flattered by that simple gesture. It made the engagement between her and Mic more real. Made what she and Harm were carrying on between each other more shameful.  
  
No matter how much she willed herself to fall in love with Mic, her heart just could not commit. It solely belonged to one Harmon Rabb. She knew that she was marrying the wrong man. What did she and Harm have in the first place? Their intimate relationship was based on lust. How can you build a marriage out of lust? Sure, they knew some things about each other, but they still kept secrets from each other. Harm was not even offering anything to help change her mind about the wedding. He was strictly letting her go through with it. Was he that willing to let her marry another man after all they shared?  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harm ran a shaky hand through his short hair. That wasn't how he envisioned the first time declaring his love for her to go. He thought that was what Mac wanted to hear since Sydney. Why was it so difficult between the two of them? Why couldn't they get it right? If it was not other people, it was their consciences getting in the way.   
  
He stopped thinking about the times that they got it wrong and decided to make it right. He strode over to the door, threw it open and went out into the hallway. Harm stopped short when he found Mac sitting on the floor. She raised her eyes his way and his heart clenched in his chest. Tear tracks adorned her face and Mac frantically tried to wipe them all away. Harm quickly went over to her, pulled her up and enveloped her into his strong embrace.  
  
Tiny kisses rained in her hair, down the side of her face, over her closed eyelids before settling on her waiting lips. He whispered against her mouth, "I love you. I love you. I love you." Harm backed her to the wall, pressing her against it with his full weight.  
  
Mac could not get close enough to him. She pulled on his neck, bringing his mouth harder to hers, and slipped her tongue inside. Plunging into the deep recesses of his mouth, their tongues tangled with each other; tasting bitter sting of love on each other's tongues. The bitter sting reminded Mac why she left the apartment in the first place. She pushed her fists in between them and with all her strength, she pushed Harm away from her. With her breathing in heavy pants, she wiped the remaining tears from her face and leaned against the wall for support.  
  
"Mac---" Harm looked at her with confusion in his eyes.  
  
"You cannot keep doing that. You can't just kiss me and think that it will make everything better."  
  
He ran a shaky hand over his face, "Why can't you just be honest with yourself? Why can't you just admit that you love me too? God, just a minute ago, you were responding to my kisses."  
  
"Excuse me, be honest with myself?" A hint of sarcasm entered her voice. "Harm, the person who should be honest with themselves is you. If you were honest with yourself a year ago in Sydney Harbor, we wouldn't be in this situation right now. So, don't you dare tell me to be honest with myself!"  
  
"I thought I was being honest with myself last night and this morning."  
  
She scoffed at his statement; "It's a little too late for that, Harm."  
  
His hand shot out quickly and grabbed her upper arm in a gentle grip. "Why does it have to be too late? You can cancel your wedding with Mic today and start a relationship with me. Which do you want, Sarah? A life with Mic Brumby or a life with me?"  
  
"Are you giving me an ultimatum?"  
  
"In a way, yes."  
  
Mac shook her arm free of his embrace, stepped away from the wall and went over to her bags on the floor. Her voice was laced with venom as she told a few white lies, "I am sorry that I met someone and am planning to marry him in two weeks. And I know how you hate it when I'm happy."  
  
His words cut her off. "Shut-up, Mac!"  
  
"But I will not be miserable for you!" With the last word, she gathered up her bags and opted for the stairs, which were a quicker exit.  
  
Harm laid his head against the wall and cursed loudly. He had truly lost her because he was a coward when it came to love. Mac was right---he was not honest with himself in Sydney, or any other time after that. He had so many opportunities to tell her that he loved her, but he didn't. He let Mic Brumby win the trophy. He slumped to his knees and felt a few stray tears on his cheeks. He cried for the woman that would never become his own.  
~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	12. Chapter 11

Six Weeks Later  
2000 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
After their night together, Mac went on with her life, as if nothing happened. Harm wondered how she did it, just forgot about their incredible night together and concentrated on her wedding to Brumby. Yet, Harm decided to through a wrench in those plans. He had informed Mac of his carrier quals and that he might miss the wedding. She was a bit angry with him that she didn't even wish him luck.  
  
The night before her wedding, Harm crashed his F-14 in the Atlantic Ocean. He was trying to make it back in time for Mac's wedding. He had promised her. And he never made a promise that he couldn't keep.  
  
However, because of his crash, Mac never went through with the wedding. She didn't want to go through the biggest day of her life when her best friend was lying in a hospital bed. Harm felt bad that he was the reason for the wedding not happening. There was a part of him that was elated that Mac wasn't married to Brumby, but another part felt horrible because he would be blamed for everything that happened after the fact.   
  
The loud knock roused him from the light sleep. He managed to get his large frame off the rather small couch and over to the door. Harm opened the door to find Mac standing on the other side, still in her uniform. She was twisting her cover in her hands. Obviously, she thought a lot about coming to him about whatever was bothering her.  
  
"Wow, you look miserable." He mentioned as he stepped aside to let her enter the apartment.  
  
At his statement, she looked into his eyes and realized her mistake. Her coming and telling him about Mic's departure would only make things easier for them. Would only make resisting Harm much harder for her. "This is a mistake. I shouldn't have come."  
  
Harm's hand shot out, stopping her from leaving, although he never physically touched her. "Mac, come in. Please."  
  
"He left me. I came home and he was packing his things."  
  
Harm pushed aside the thought of Brumby living with Mac, instead asked, "What was his reason?"  
  
"That I didn't love him enough." She chuckled at the memories of all the times that Mic voiced his love, but she could not. It was always, 'Me too' or 'I know'. She could never tell him 'I love you'.  
  
"Do you? Love him, I mean." Harm perched himself on one of the barstools, awaiting her answer.  
  
"Yes." Again, she lied to Harm. Why couldn't she just tell the truth? Save the both of them the time and trouble, but it wasn't that easy anymore. There was so much distance and heartache between the two of them. Did they already burn the bridge that would lead them to each other?  
  
Harm opened his mouth to reply, but the ringing of the phone interrupted him. He shuffled over to it, answered it, "Rabb." His face took on a neutral expression as he handed the phone to Mac.  
  
"Lt. Colonel MacKenzie."  
  
"I wondered who you would run to first. I now have my answer." A defeated voice sounded on the other end.  
  
"Mic, tell me where you are and I'll come there."   
  
"No, I'm on my way back to Australia." He sighed and then continued, "Goodbye, beautiful." With that, he hung up.  
  
Mac returned the cordless to the charger, then turned towards Harm. "He's leaving. I have to go stop him."  
  
"Why is he leaving, Mac?"  
  
"Because he can't get past what's between us." She headed for the door, but stopped when Harm gently replied.  
  
"Maybe because we can't get past it." He watched her move through the doorway again. He had to think of a way to make her stay. "You're mine, Mac. Always will be mine. You'll always belong to me."  
  
Those haunting words once more. Since the first time he said them to her, Mac had never been able to get them out of her head. They were always there, especially when Mic and her were having sex. She never saw Mic looming above her, saying words of endearment or crying out her name in pleasure. She always saw Harm. The way his face changed when he reached his peak. Hear the sound of her name on his lips. And of course, those words.  
  
Mac stopped in the open doorway, turned on her heel to face Harm. "Do you like having this kind of hold over me? Do you enjoy this? I cannot have a relationship without you having some part in it. Do you get a thrill seeing me in this much pain and most of it is your fault?"  
  
"Brumby doesn't deserve you, Mac. You're too good for him."  
  
"And you say the same thing about every man I want to have a relationship with. Who is good enough for me, Harm? I've given you numerous chances to say that it's you, but you've always choked. So, I have given up hope of ever being with you in the long run."  
  
She went through the door and Harm shot off the barstool. "Mac, wait!"  
  
Out of respect, she stopped once more for him. "You know something, Harm, at least when Mic says he loves me, he means it. He doesn't say it just to make me stay." With that last statement, she went to the elevator, leaving Harm standing in the open doorway.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Three Weeks Later  
1700 Local Time  
USS Guadalcanal  
Indian Ocean  
  
Mac sat at the desk in her quarters, contemplating over what happened in the mess. She never imagined that Harm would follow her halfway around the world. One of the reasons why she asked for this assignment was to get way from everything in Washington. She needed some time to think, to reevaluate her life and figure out what was important to her. Sure, people at JAG probably thought she was running away from her problems. She always did have a knack for doing just that. This time was different. She wasn't running away from problems---she was running away from a man.  
  
A man who certainly made it clear that she came second when it concerned his girlfriend. Mac normally did come second to Harm's girlfriends. She had gotten used to it over the years. This time, however, she thought he had changed. The words that he said in his husky voice still rang in her ears.  
  
Come to me. I'm waiting.  
  
When she heard those words, she imagined what would happen once she arrived at the apartment. Mac dreamed of Harm waiting for her at the door, escort her into the apartment. He would draw her into his strong embrace, chasing away all the pain and heartache. His kisses would rain in her hair, down the side of her face, over her tear-streaked eyes, to her rosy lips. In a matter of minutes, they were in his bedroom, their clothes discarded, and Harm's body looming over her. The sheer pleasure of having his body thrusting into hers would be enough to ease the pain of another man leaving her.  
  
However, Mac's dream was shattered when Harm explained that Renee came over upon learning of her father's death. He obviously couldn't send her away, so he told Mac that they would talk when he returned from escorting Renee to the funeral. Mac was cast aside for someone else. What made it worse was seeing Harm embrace Renee through the window. It should have been her in his arms. Not Renee. It should've been her in his arms all the years.   
  
A loud knock sounded on her open stateroom door. Mac looked up from her laptop to meet those captivating eyes. "Hey, Harm."  
  
"Hey. Can I come in?" He gestured with his hand.  
  
"Sure." She gave him a small smile, but remained seated. "How are you doing?"  
  
Harm noticed the uneasiness between them. He hated that they've come to that point in their friendship. "I'm fine. Do you know why I accepted this assignment?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Because I knew that you wouldn't call me back." He saw something flash in Mac's eyes, but he couldn't describe it since it quickly faded away. "Tell me what you're thinking."  
  
"Pressured. Why are you doing this?" She wrung her hands in her lap, waiting for the inevitable.  
  
"I needed to talk to you and you left. Mac, I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you."  
  
Mac stood up from the desk; "You came all this way to apologize for not being able to talk with me. I don't buy it, Harm."  
  
He sucked in a deep breath, "I also wanted to talk about 'us'."  
  
"Harm, this is no 'us'. There's you and Renee. I don't factor into that equation. I never did with any of your relationships." She shot back at him.  
  
He had no response to her statement. He crossed his arms over his chest and waited for her next onslaught.  
  
"Mic gave up his naval career and his country for me. What are you willing to give up to have me? Would you give up your girlfriend?" Mac knew that he would steer his way around the questions. That was Harm's method of avoiding anything dealing with personal feelings.  
  
"You're testing me?" A look of confusion crossed his face.  
  
"Would you?"  
  
"What if I did?" He shot back, wondering what would be Mac's next move.  
  
She scoffed loudly, "I'm so sick and tired of this dance." With that, she exited the stateroom quickly.  
  
Harm not even realizing that she left so quickly, stated, "Yeah, I would. Yeah, I would give her up." He looked around and noticed that Mac was absent. "Hey, Mac!"  
  
He ran out of the stateroom to look for her. He found her standing with Gunny and knew that she was basically hiding behind him, ending her conversation with Harm. "Hey, Gunny. How's it going?"  
  
"It's going good, Sir. I heard you were onboard." He looked between Harm and Mac, noticing the slight pain expressions on both of their faces. Obviously they were discussing something pretty heavy and it certainly did not end well.  
  
When Mac asked him what he found out about Major Laskey, Victor explained his findings to both of the attorneys, since Harm would find out eventually. Once Victor was finished, he and Mac headed down the corridor, away from Harm.  
  
"Mac, we weren't finished talking." He shouted to her.  
  
Mac turned around, "What makes you think we ever will be." She then walked away with Gunny down the corridor.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Three Days Later  
0900 Local Time  
Mac's Quarters  
  
A loud knock startled Mac in the middle of getting dressed. She quickly pulled on her cammie pants and the Marine issue t-shirt. Once she was presentable, she opened the door to her stateroom. Not that she showed it, but she was a bit startled to find Harm on the other side. Mac knew that he was leaving today, but had no idea when the COD was departing. She was still debating whether she would see Harm off or just watch him depart from a distance.  
  
"When is your COD departing?" She asked while she moved aside to let him into the stateroom. Mac closed the door behind Harm, turned around and leaned against it, awaiting his answer.  
  
"Not until 1100."  
  
"Oh, so you came to see me before you leave?"  
  
He flashed her a small smile. "Yeah, I felt bad at how things ended between us the a few days ago. I wanted to apologize for my behavior."  
  
Harmon Rabb apologizing two times within three days. There has to be something wrong with him, Mac thought. "You have nothing to apologize for. It was both of our faults for things getting out of hand."  
  
"Mac, why do you keep pushing me away?"  
  
"Me pushing you away? What do you call what you did to me three weeks ago? I needed you, Harm. I needed a friend and you cast me aside for Renee." Why did he have to start this conversation now?  
  
He hesitated for a brief moment, "I...she...I don't know why I did what I did."  
  
Mac pushed herself away from the door and headed over to the desk. She sat down on the chair and thought of what she would say next. "It hurt me, Harm. You always seem to cast me aside for your girlfriends and I thought we had a special kind of friendship. What you did with me three weeks ago was the last straw."  
  
"What do you want me to do, Mac?" He held up his hands in defeat.  
  
"Harm, you don't understand and I don't think you ever will." She hoped that he wouldn't question her statement. She did not want to discuss her problems with someone who didn't care about her enough.  
  
He went to stand in front of her, "What don't I understand, Mac. Please, help me understand why you're the way you are."  
  
God damn him! Mac sucked in a deep breath hoping that the Lord above could help her get through this. "Men leave me, Harm. Every man that I've had a relationship with, has left me. I mean, look at Mic, he left me because he couldn't get past what he thought was between us and I didn't love him enough. I could not even tell him that I love him. I couldn't, Harm."  
  
"I've never left you, Mac."  
  
"Yes, you have. You left me for a 30 million-dollar plane, Harm. The weekend that we spent together was beyond my wildest dreams, but what hurt the most is when you left without saying goodbye. Did you even make a backward glance at me before you slipped out the door?" She stood up, their bodies brushing against one another. "I can only be cast aside a certain number of times before I give up on ever getting the persons attention."  
  
Harm reached up a tentative hand and cupped her cheek. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you three weeks ago."  
  
She batted his hand away, "Please leave, Harm. I don't want to discuss this anymore."  
  
"Mac-"  
  
She turned her back to him, signaling that she was finished with the conversation.  
  
Harm would not let her have the last word anymore. She would not run away this time---not when they were so close to resolving everything between them. He roughly grabbed her arm, made her turn around and stared long and hard into her chocolate depths. Before he could even utter a word, a knock sounded on her door.  
  
Mac wrenched her arm from his grasp and headed for the door. A hand on her arm stopped her short. She turned to Harm with an angry glare in her eyes.   
  
"Mac, you answer that door and you might as well kiss our relationship goodbye."  
  
"Now you know how I feel when you cast me aside for more important business," she snarled. Mac willed herself to calm down and act like an adult in this situation. "Harm, let me answer the door and deal with that, then we can finish talking."  
  
"All right." He gave up arguing with her.  
  
Mac opened the door to find Gunny on the other side. He glanced past her and saw Harm standing in the middle of the room, with his hands on his hips. Just from looking at both of them, he knew that they were engaged in a heated argument.  
  
"Ma'am, I was just looking for the Commander, in case he didn't know about his departure time."  
  
"He knows, but thanks for reminding him, Gunny," she said with a smile on her face.  
  
"No problem, ma'am." Gunny looked past Mac and relayed the next statement to Harm, "Sir, it was good seeing you again. Hope to see you in a few weeks when we get back to Headquarters."  
  
Harm flashed Gunny a smile, "It's was good seeing you, too, Gunny. Can't wait to have you and Mac back at JAG. It's just not the same."  
  
After Gunny informed Mac of where he would be after Harm left, Mac closed the door. She turned around to face Harm once more. She leaned back against the door, knowing that if she was any closer to him, she would not be held accountable for her actions.  
  
"Now, what did you want to talk about? I think we've covered everything in our screwed-up relationship. What else is there?" Mac stood with her arms crossed beneath her breasts.  
  
"Now that you've had your say, it's my turn. I think that's fair."  
  
Mac opened her mouth to respond to him, but Harm held up his hand in silence before a word was uttered.  
  
"For once in our friendship, shut up and listen." He steered her over to the bunk and made her sit down, while he remained standing. "I lied to you that night in Sydney Harbor. I so much wanted to pour my heart out to you as you did to me. But I was scared, Mac. Scared of what it might bring in the future. Scared that it would not last between us. I couldn't bear that if it had happened.  
  
"Then came the night after your engagement party. I put my heart and soul in my lovemaking, but you didn't see it that way. You probably thought it was just me being scared of losing you to someone other than myself. The next morning when I told you that I loved you, I wasn't saying it just to make you stay."  
  
Mac sat on the bunk, mouth wide open. She was just granted her wish. Harm admitted his feelings for her, but this was not how she envisioned it happening. Not to mention, that she couldn't ravish him the way she wanted to in her dreams. Definitely not on the ship and in her quarters. She would be insane. Though, a kiss wouldn't hurt. However, whenever she and Harm kiss, things get out of hand in a matter of seconds. It's almost like they spontaneously combust whenever any part of their bodies touch each other.  
  
"Mac, you can say something now." Her silence was slowly scaring Harm. Scaring him to the point that what he just did might've been a mistake. Maybe she was right-maybe it was too late.  
  
"Kiss me, Commander." A sultry smile formed on her lips and Harm swallowed the lump in his throat.  
  
As he pulled her to her feet, bringing her body against his, his breath fanned over her mouth, "Yes, ma'am." Then he claimed her mouth in a searing kiss.  
  
A kiss that certainly made her toes curl. Harm's tongue probed open her lips and easily slipped inside. Was it really three months ago that they last done this? Mac strained against him, standing on her tiptoes to press her mouth harder against his. His threaded his fingers through her tousled tresses and held her pliant mouth still under his while he ravished her mouth with fierce urgency. He could not get enough. He could not get enough of the taste that was Sarah MacKenzie.   
  
Mac was right years ago when she said he was addicted to her. She hit it right on the nail that night. He became addicted to Mac the moment he tasted her lips that first night together. It had only taken him forever to admit his feelings for her. If only he had done it sooner, things would a bit simpler between them.  
  
He hated doing it. Lord, he hated pulling away from her luscious mouth, but he had a COD to catch in one hour. It did not matter that he wanted to stay in Mac's quarters, kissing her endlessly. He was needed back at JAG. Harm framed her face in his large hands, "I've got a transport to catch."  
  
"Yes, you do." She replied while fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. "Harm, I'm not turning you away. Please, don't think that at all. I just need time to let it sink in. When I return to D.C., I'll need some time alone. Can you understand that?"  
  
His voice was a husky tone in her ear and it sent her body on fire in the places that only Harm could enflame completely. "Yes, I can. This is a big step for both of us."  
  
"Yes, it is."  
  
"What's bothering you about this?"  
  
She focused her attention on one lone button, rubbing her thumb over it and thinking about unfastening it. Her voice had a bit of a quiver to it, "I took this assignment to get away. To get away from everything; you, the thought of Mic, and most all JAG. I know when I return, and everyone sees us together, they'll think that we were together during my engagement to Mic."   
  
"Mac---"  
  
Mac cut him off once more, "Yes, we were together, but they don't know that. I don't want them to think of me as a slut. They think of me as the straight-laced Marine, and in their minds, I would never do such a thing as that. I want to wait a few weeks before we even let them see a romantic relationship between us."   
  
"That sounds good to me, Sarah." His thumbs brushed over the smoothness of her cheeks.  
  
"You have a COD to catch," she said, bringing them back to reality.  
  
Harm flashed her a small smile before capturing her mouth in another heated kiss. He wanted to remember the feel of her lips for the plane ride home. He pulled back; "Will you see me off?"  
  
"Sure," her voice a bit breathy from the heated moment they just shared.  
  
"All right. See you in an hour, Marine." With one last kiss, he exited her quarters.  
  
Mac never showed. Harm didn't understand. She told him she would be there. Yet, when he came on deck, Mac was nowhere in sight. Was it easier for her to say goodbye at a distance? Even when he boarded the COD, he took one last look around before it was closed up and he saw nothing. He never saw her standing on the Comm Tower, watching the transport take him back to Washington.  
~*~*~*~*~* 


	13. Chapter 12

Four Weeks Later  
2100 EST  
Mac's Apartment  
Georgetown  
  
God, relationships were so frustrating. Even if she wasn't technically in on, it was still frustrating. Mac had asked Harm on the Guadalcanal, then when she returned, she would need time and space to think. Harm completely obliged her. Didn't pressure or smother her. He was a complete gentleman with the matter.  
  
It was driving her insane! She just wanted him to say something. Anything! Anything that would make her lose her patience with him. It was not like Harm to be this patient with a relationship. He always had to be Mach 2, but with Mac, he was enjoying the stroll in the park. He obviously wanted this one to be right. Wanted it to be forever.  
  
Which one of them didn't? Harm felt as if he was pressuring Mac when he asked her over for dinner a few nights a week. He even felt bad when he called her after the US Embassy was ambushed in Ache. He learned of it from the Admiral and waited the whole evening at JAG for news. When he knew of Mac's safety and everyone else's, Harm never felt more relieved. He then called her from home, needing to talk to her, hoping that he wasn't pressuring her. Mac welcomed his call and told him everything while she cried. Harm hated hearing her cry over the phone, and told Mac that. It was the only time he got her to laugh. That made Harm feel good since he made Mac happy for a brief moment.  
  
Another thing he wasn't pressuring her with was sex. They hadn't slept with each other since the night of her engagement party. If Mac wanted a real relationship, with dating for awhile without sex, Harm was going to give it to her. And he did. As he said two years ago, he never made a promise that he couldn't keep. He had been true to that statement since then.  
  
The phone ringing jarred Mac from her thoughts. She quickly answered it on the third ring. "MacKenzie."  
  
"Mac, it's Harm."  
  
Her voice became neutral, "What do you need?"  
  
Harm sighed on the other end. He really hated that voice she was using. It translated to 'I'm still mad at you'. "I...um, wanted to apologized for me behavior today."  
  
"I thank you for apologizing, Harm." Mac could not stay made at him for long.  
  
Earlier in the day, the whole JAG staff learned of a marathon that Harriet organized. All the proceeds would go to the Pentagon Fund, to help rebuild after the September 11th attacks. Harm, the whole day, was acting like a jerk towards Mac. He made her a bet that he could beat her even with a six-minute deficient. He had annoyed her so much that Mac snapped at the Admiral, and he knew the culprit was Harm.  
  
"So, you're not mad at me anymore."  
  
"Oh, I'm still mad at you, just a little less. Ask me tomorrow when your sorry ass is beat by me," she teased.  
  
Harm chuckled, "Very funny, Marine."  
  
"I thought so." Mac shot back. She took a deep breath, "Harm, do you want to have dinner tomorrow night?"  
  
Harm was thrown back by her request. She never requested dinner, always let him do the asking. "Sure, I'll make it. How about six o'clock?"  
  
"Sounds good to me. Well, I better go and get some sleep." Her voice was soft and it reminded Harm of their nights together.  
  
"See you tomorrow morning, Sarah."  
  
The sound of her given name surprised her. Harm rarely used it. Yet, she didn't get a chance to respond because he quickly hung up. Mac hung up the receiver and sighed. Every now and then, Harm surprised her.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The Next Day  
1845 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
North of Union Station  
  
Clothes littered the floor from the kitchen to the bedroom. Moans echoed throughout the apartment. Dinner was long forgotten and uneaten.  
  
When Mac arrived forty-five minutes earlier, Harm willed himself to concentrate on preparing dinner and resist her until they had eaten. But he wasn't that strong. She just looked irresistible---so wanton---sitting on the other side of the island counter, watching him. His control broke when she wet her lips unconsciously.  
  
In a matter of seconds, he was on the other side of the island counter. He had Mac in his arms and her mouth in a bruising kiss. He had waited---no, they had waited so long. They weren't going to wait any longer.  
  
Harm stripped away the barriers between them as they made their way to the bedroom. Her skirt landed somewhere near the stove; her pantyhose and panties dropped on the floor before the bedroom. Her blouse and bra were thrown near the closet.   
  
Harm clothes, on the other hand, were thrown in places where they would never be found. Mac wanted him as badly as he wanted her.  
  
They fell onto the bed in a tangle of arms and legs. Mouths met in heated, passionate kisses. Hands caressed any body part they could reach in bold strokes. There was no need for a romantic setting. No candles, no perfection. They were making their own perfection with each other. They had each other for the rest of their lives. That was enough for them.  
  
When Harm entered her warm body, a scorching fire erupted in Mac. She never felt so alive. Never felt so wonderful while making love with Harm. She was free. Free to feel everything and anything that Harm had offer. Free to let her feelings show, never to hide them again.  
  
She felt her impending orgasm begin in the pit of her stomach. Mac urged Harm on with just her hands and legs. No words were needed. They knew what the other was thinking. They were intertwined. Seconds later, she screamed out his name, uninhibited. Harm followed close behind, rearing his head back and bellowing out her name. He then collapsed into her waiting arms.  
  
No plans of retreat were formed in either one's head. Harm rolled off her, pulled the blankets up over their cooling bodies, and snuggled against Mac's curved form. Once he heard her even breathing, signaling to him that she was asleep, Harm relished in the moment for awhile. He was able to hold Mac in his arms and enjoy every minute of it. With a smile on his face, he closed his eyes and soon was asleep as well.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
0830 EST  
Harm's Apartment  
  
Mac woke up cold and lonely. She reached out a hand, encountering a cold spot beside her. Harm had left bed awhile ago. She sighed deeply, remembering their talk from last night. She only hoped that Harm was not still agonizing over it. She thought that she had gotten through to him before they fell back to sleep, that she was not going to leave him and she loved him. They were finally able to love each other freely. Mac never felt so good the morning after. It was a whole new different feeling that she couldn't wait to explore as the days pass by.  
  
She spotted Harm's discarded shirt on the floor and quickly put it on. Once it was buttoned, she ventured out of the bedroom. She found Harm sitting at the island counter, nursing a cup of coffee. Mac sauntered up behind him, wrapped her arms around his neck and gently kissed his cheek. Harm turned his head towards her mouth and their lips met in a loving kiss.   
  
When she pulled back, a charming smile adorned his face. It was then that she realized that everything was all right in Harmon Rabb's mind and heart.  
  
"Good morning," he whispered as she came around to stand at his side. He casually tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Did you sleep all right?"  
  
"Mmm, like a baby. Though, I missed waking up with you this morning," she said before kissing him again. She just could not get enough of him.  
  
"I wanted to watch the sun rise. Make sure that last night was not a dream and you're really here with me, forever."  
  
Mac felt tears begin to form in her eyes and for the first time in her life, she was not ashamed to let Harm see them. For they were not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. The two of them had come so far since they first together. "I love you so much, Harm."  
  
"And I love you." He captured her mouth in a searing kiss.   
  
Mac immediately wrapped her arms around his neck, molding herself to his lithe frame. Harm picked her up, her legs wound themselves around his waist, and he made his way to the bedroom.  
  
He set her down on her feet, quickly stripped away the barriers between them, and then laid her down in the middle of the bed. Harm stretched his long frame out on top of her. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her sweetly, while his knee pushed her legs apart, making room for him between her thighs.  
  
While he was kissing her, it drew her attention away from their lower bodies. Harm entered her in one thrust, drawing out the pleasure of their union. Mac pulled away from his mouth, soft moans coming from her as he started a steady rhythm.  
  
Mac reached up, grabbing his forearms in a nail-biting grip, as she matched his rhythm perfectly. Her heartbeat roared in her ears, her lips parted as she said his name in a breathy voice. Harm slid his hands down her thighs, using soft caresses, before cupping her bottom in his large hands, bringing her closer as he thrust into her faster and harder.   
  
Knowing that she was near climax from the sound of her breathing, he reached down between their joined bodies and seconds later, Mac threw her bed back in the mounds of pillows, screaming Harm's name.  
  
After her body was done shuddering and quivering beneath him, Harm thrust three more times into her. This time, when he emptied his seed into her warmth, he let her see the love that was always there for her, in his eyes. With a shuddering groan, Harm slumped down beside her.   
  
He managed to support his shaky frame on his elbow. He brushed a damp strand from her forehead before kissing her lips. The kiss was neither passionate nor needy. It was a kiss between two lovers that had finally come full circle.  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
One Month after the JAG-a-Thon  
1350 EST  
JAG Headquarters  
Falls Church, VA  
  
After the Jag-a-Thon, Harm and Mac settled into their relationship comfortably. They managed to find an inexpensive apartment near Mac's old one, a week later. It was perfect for the two of them. Not to mention it had a spare bedroom for when Chloe would visit.  
  
With their home life in order, they had to inform the Admiral of their new relationship. Surprisingly, he took it rather well and made an offer that Mac could not refuse. There was an opening in the Judicial Department and AJ thought she was perfect for the job. She wouldn't be under his command anymore and that meant her and Harm could still stay at JAG Headquarters.   
  
Mac loved her new position. It was a different feeling, being on the other side of a case, but she welcomed the newfound joy. She also welcomed the excitement from Chloe when Mac and Harm told her about their relationship last weekend. She came down for a few days and was surprised when Mac had a new apartment. With Harm. The three of them never had so fun those three days.   
  
Chloe's voice exclaimed on the other end, "So, when are you and Harm getting married?"   
  
Mac chuckled at her younger sister's question. She had decided to call Chloe since she was off school for a day. Mac never realized she would want to talk about marriage. "He has to propose to me first, sweetheart?"  
  
"What is he waiting for?"  
  
"I guess the right time. I mean, we've been through a lot and we're just enjoying being with each other and loving one another openly."  
  
Chloe sighed, "Can't you do that while being married to each other?"  
  
"Chloe! You really want us to get married, don't you?" Mac laughed and her smile was evident through the phone line.  
  
"Well, duh! It'll give me a reason to visit again."  
  
"Honey, you don't need a reason to visit me." Mac stated as she too wished that Chloe could visit more often. She missed spending time with her---acting like a kid again. Chloe brought out the inner child of Mac.  
  
"I know." She sighed deeply, "I better go, because Grandma needs to use the phone. I'll call you this weekend. I love you."  
  
"I love you, too, sweetie." With that, they broke connection with each other.  
  
Mac replaced the receiver and a startled gasp escaped her lips when she found Harm standing in her office doorway. She gestured for him to enter and he closed the door behind him. Mac wondered how he got past her yeoman. He probably charmed the pants of the poor girl.   
  
"How long were you standing there?" Mac asked once Harm was seated in front of her desk.  
  
"Long enough." He smiled, "Have I told you how good you are with Chloe?"  
  
Mac gave him a teasing smile, "Numerous times. Now, how long were you standing in my doorway, Commander?"  
  
"Well, long enough to know that Chloe wants us to get married." He fiddled around in his pants pocket and withdrew a small velvet box. Harm heard a small gasp come from Mac. She certainly wasn't expecting him to propose at Headquarters.  
  
When Harm opened the box, Mac was almost rendered speechless. Her voice was a breathy whisper, "Harm?"  
  
"I'd thought I surprise you before we went to lunch earlier, but the verdict in the Phillips court martial was reached, so it was certainly out of the question, then. However, when I heard you on the phone with Chloe, I decided that it didn't have to be a special moment." He stopped for a moment to get his bearings, then continued, "I'm a spontaneous person, Mac. I do things without thinking really. I love you, so much, and would be honored if you'd be my wife."  
  
Harm laid the open box in front of Mac and waited anxiously for her response. "You have a way with words, Flyboy, not to mention the location of your proposal." She got up from behind her desk, rounded it to sit down on Harm's lap. A display of affection that she rarely showed him at the office.  
  
"Mac, you're not going to keep me hanging, are you?"  
  
With her lips a breath away from his ear, she whispered seductively, "Yes, I'll marry you, Harm."  
  
She then captured his lips in a searing kiss. He wrapped his arms around her middle, tugging her closer, while their tongues mated vigorously. He then tore his mouth away and began nuzzling her neck with his lips. He recently discovered that her neck was an erogenous zone for her. Lately, every chance he got, he would drive her crazy by nuzzling or kissing her neck.  
  
Mac let out a small giggle as she relaxed in his embrace. "You know, this means I must call Chloe back."  
  
"Yeah." He murmured against her neck.  
  
"That means you need to let me go and get back to work." She kissed the top of his head. She climbed off his lap and sat back down behind her desk.  
  
Harm groaned as he stood. He rounded the desk, picked up her left hand and slipped the ring onto the appropriate finger. He lightly kissed her lips, then made his way to the door.   
  
Once he was gone, Mac took a moment to admire the ring. Harm certainly had good taste when picking out jewelry. She fingered the simple solitaire, flanked by two smaller stones. She never dreamed that this was how their relationship would turn out after the fateful night together. It went beyond everything that she'd ever dreamed of.   
  
Mac remembered what she originally wanted to do when Harm left. She picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number. When she heard Chloe's voice on the other end, the excitement was evident in her voice, "Hey, Chlo, guess what?"  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The End 


End file.
